


Golden longings

by Glittertear



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bottom Harry, Drinking, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Slow Burn, Top Draco Malfoy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-10-11 20:57:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 37,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17454182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glittertear/pseuds/Glittertear
Summary: Draco Malfoy could have known better than to return to Hogwarts. He knew so himself, but he didn't really have a choice now, did He?He felt alone and deserving of his misery. Like keeping up a facade he kept up his attitude and mannerisms, but below that the once so bright Draco Malfoy felt dull.The pressure of his family, Draco felt like he would never get away from it. Yet, he had escaped.But did he really acquire  freedom, or just a new cage?But most importantly, what would he do if it really were freedom?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,  
> I just very quickly want to clarify that these characters do not belong to Me, but to J.K. Rowling. If they were mine, they would all be gay.  
> I also want to apologize, sadly I have a very American English so if anyone has any tips to make this sound any more British, I would very much appreciate that. :)

~  
He glanced around, trying not to stare anywhere. Trying to avoid meeting anyone's eyes. Actually, trying to avoid anyone at all.

The summer had been hard, but nothing compared to this, standing on the platform, waiting to get into the Hogwarts express. Alone. His friends were late, maybe they wouldn't show at all. Who could blame them? The mere thought made him feel shaky. He would not be able to do this on his own, worse case he would just have to leave.   
But it was a little late, there was no going back now. 

Draco took a deep breath. He wished that it had actually calmed him down, but it didn't do much. Just like every other time he had tried.  
The loud noises,all the people around him talking, it was a lot. Draco could feel his anxiety build up inside, making his chest feel tight, his shoulders tense and his breath uneasy. This was all a terrible idea. Going back to Hogwarts after what he had done, everyone would hate him. Everyone.  
Just meters from him, he saw Luna Lovegood walk on the train. He felt a sting in his tight chest. What his family had done to that girl, how did he even dare to walk onto the same train as her? He had no right to be here. 

If it would've been just a few more minutes, Draco Malfoy would have turned around and ran away. From the noise, from his emotions, from himself.  
But he didn't, as a soft hand laid on his shoulder.  
"Hey, I am sorry I'm late, I hope it wasn't too bad" he turned around to look at pansy. She had a small smile on her lips that actually reached her eyes. Draco felt his tensed muscles release a bit. He hadn't received a lot of genuine smiles lately.  
A tiny smile danced around his lips as well as he hugged her. "Thank God you showed, I would've been even more screwed on my own."  
Seeing her here, he had really missed her or having any friend at all. 

Pansy rolled her eyes "I'm pretty sure we're still screwed, just together."  
Before he could respong anything, they were being shoved into the train.  
Now it was to finding an empty compartment. 

It felt strange, being back in the Hogwarts express, it was just Like always, yet, everything was different. He sighed, getting a compartment of their own wouldn't be too hard, no one would want to sit with them. 

It appeared, he had been right. When Pansy opened the door to a compartment which they had believed to be empty, a disturbed 5th year jumped up and ran off, leaving the seats to them. 

Pansy tried to smile, this time Draco didn't buy it.  
"At least they make room for us. "  
She chuckled.  
"Yeah, and we don't even have to try to scare them anymore, only looking at them is enough."  
Draco shook his head.  
"No Pansy, you've always scared people off with your death glares."  
He noticed Pansy looking down, sighing quietly before she mumbled :  
"Just that I don't need to do the death glare anymore, everyone is terrified just by seeing me."  
All light teasing and easiness in the atmosphere was gone.  
Draco nodded slowly, sinking his hands into his lap. "I know." There was a short tense silence between them before the door burst open and Blaise walked in. 

"Here you are, I've been looking for you everywhere. Stupid students, why do they all have to be so loud and annoying?"  
Pansy shrugged, and so did Draco. Despite his attempt to, he couldn't even be mad at the exited bunch out there. Instead, a weird feeling seemed to have appeared in him. He wasn't quite sure what it was, probably something softer than he could allow himself to feel. 

The cushion sank in a bit as he felt Balise sit down next to him, but he didn't look over.  
"Mate", Blaise said, "I swear some kid sting hexed me.  
Pansy laughed, "probably she-Weasel". It wasn't hard to picture that, Pansy was likely right. But it could have been any other student just as well. Likely everyone here would love to hex them, he thought.  
On the outside, he just shrugged, leaving the amusement about this to Pansy. 

Just as Pansy was lecturing Blaise about restraining himself and not hooking up with as many people this year, the train started moving.  
Draco felt the old and familiar tickling of excitement in his stomach, just not fully as pleasant as it used to be, now that it was mixed with anxiety, fear and sadness.  
Still, it felt better than anything he had felt in those last months. And despite everything, for a second, he felt a smile blink in his eyes. They were going back to Hogwarts! 

"I can't believe we're going back"  
Draco felt Blaise shift in his seat a little uncomfortable, while Pansys face lit up. "Oh, have I told you that Millicent is coming back as well?"  
There was a little relief in Draco, at least they wouldn't be the only slytherins back, he thought. Blaise was the one to say it. "So, we are not the only ones back?" Pansy shook her head. "I think there are about 6 Slytherins coming back, as far as I know. We are three of them." 

Draco couldn't help but chuckle a little bitterly. "Bloody great maths, Parkinson". He got an annoyed eyeroll, which he had been expecting. "Thank you, Dray, don't pretend you could have done it." 

"So who else?" Blaise sounded a bit exited, as much as he tried to conceal it. "How should we know?". The next eyeroll went to Blaise.  
Draco did not bother to respond, instead he closed his eyes and leaned his head back, lost in his thoughts. 

When the letters from McGonagle with an invitation for an 8th year came, to make up for those who lost a year during the war, not many slytherins bothered to even respond, even less dared to accept. Would they have a separate 8th year dorm in the slytherin rooms? Or would they stay with the 7th years? 

As Draco snapped back to reality, Pansy had told the trolley witch to "bugger off and piss off someone else"  
Draco exchanged a quick glance with Pansy and Blaise and smirked. It was good to see that some things never change. 

When they had finally changed into their robes, Draco bothered to pick up a little paper from the ground, he had noticed someone had slipped it under the door some time ago. His first thought has been to ignore it, but he was too curious. He only had to unfold it once and there wasn't a lot on there. All it said was:

Scum.  
Evil.  
Traitors. 

He caught himself reading it for the third time. A knot built up in his stomach as he gulped. It was right, maybe not for the others, but for him. It was true. It had always been true. A warm brush at his hand reminded him that he was still sitting there.

"Give me that" Pansy's voice sounded shrill. She ripped the note from his hand and then set it on fire.  
"And now I'm gonna kick every single kid on my way out of this train, one of them is gonna be the right one."  
Her words made him feel somewhat proud, he knew her well enough to know that normally she would've added that they all deserved it, but she knew better. They all had grown a lot, they had no other choice. 

The train stopped. They were here.  
Before the trio left the safety of the isolated compartment, Balise put a hand on Draco's shoulder and gave him a small but determined nod, Draco could appreciate it. 

The safe moment of reassurance didn't last, as they were out of the train Draco had a feeling like he had gotten enough nasty looks and hissed comments for more than a lifetime. He had just walked through the students silently, accepting the insult thrown his way. Pansy and Blaise had hissed back at some, but he hadn't. 

Out on the platform, Draco took deep breaths, counting them up to ten, starring at the ground. On the way out Pansy had not kicked every student, but roughly every second younger kid. It was typical for her, a thing she could've done in their 4th year just as well as their 8th, like one last pattern that he could relay on. 

Who knows what they were waiting for while everyone was rushing by and to the carriages. Maybe for some kind of approval of the universe that would never come.  
All that Draco was able to process were the words, muttered under the breath of the students passing by. 

One of the Patil girls threw a short "bastard", passing his right, he heard a girl that he believed to be Susan Bones on his right, whispering "murderers". His eyes were fixed on the ground.  
This was what it would be like. There was no escape. He felt a light sting in his eyes. Oh no. After all,he was still Draco Malfoy, crying here and now was not an option.  
Pushing away the students in front of him, he put on his best frown.  
"Get out of my way" he almost yelled at a little boy. Making his way through the crowd Pansy and Blaise were following him. 

The very second that they had gotten a carriage for themselves, Draco fell into a seat. It had been exhausting, putting on that face, hissing at everyone. If it wasn't physically exhausting, it was emotionally. 

"Hey. Pansy to Draco" she snapped her fingers in front of his face.  
"Get back to this world" her words were light and humorous, a slight relief. "I am here, but thanks for checking". Next to Pansy, Blaise smirked. "Who knows what world you're in, but not this. You look paler than a ghost."

"A pale Malfoy, no one ever seen that, right?" Draco shot Blaise a smile.  
One of the doors, the one to Dracos right, opened and a ball of blonde hair leaned into the carriage, followed by a bright smiling face.  
"Hey! I haven't gotten a chance to say hello to you guys, I only saw Draco on the train for a second" 

Even after blinking repeatedly, the girl was still there. He was not hallucinating. "Th-thank y-you" was all Draco could stutter. How was it possible for Luna to be this nice? He had partially been responsible for what was probably the worst thing that ever happened to her, but she didn't seem bitter, nor did she appear to hate him. How did she do this? 

He caught Pansy giving her a little smile, a nice one, not one of her infamous, sarcastic smirks.  
"Thanks, Lovegood. Anything else??"  
It appeared a smile was already the maximum of nice that pansy could do for her.  
Luna shook her head. "No, just have a good ride. I can't wait to see what they have done with the castle". She briefly smiled at Pansy. "what you did with the castle" 

Having known Pansy almost his whole life, he could tell she was stunned when the Lovegood girl left.  
"I will never understand that girl"  
Draco nodded, as well as Pansy.  
"I don't think anyone ever has or ever will".  
Draco glanced out of the window. "If you ask me, saint Potter probably does. And all of his heroic friends." He chewed his lower lip. He had not meant to say that, it just had happened. 

Pansy shrugged. "Considering he saved your life, to me he is a saint. At least for that" she winked as the carriages started rolling.  
"Are you putting pressure on me now? Because he is not my hero. Not for that at least."  
He could feel how the other tensed up a bit, trying to play over it. 

Blaise was the first one to speak again. "So, what did she mean by 'what you did with the castle'?"  
Pansy's frown softened.  
"Oh, did I not tell you? I came back over the summer to help rebuilt. "  
She looked very proud of herself while saying that, something that Draco didn't blame her for. 

"Excuse me, what?" Blaise looked like he had been told a stupid joke, rather stunned.  
She kicked him and he jumped back. Draco assumed that Blaise had been expecting to be told that it was a joke.  
"I spent my summer helping to rebuilt everything. I mean I did help break it, it's only fair." Considering it, Draco thought that this might have been the most reasonable thing Pansy ever said. 

All the carriages had stopped. It was time to go back inside the place that had once been his home but that he had last seen destroyed. By people like him. Who was he even kidding, by him. There was a huge wave of shame rolling over him, that he did not allow himself to show on the outside. 

Walking into the great hall, there was confusion. Everyone had expected things to be normal, but instead of just four tables, for the four houses, there was now a fifth.  
Draco spotted a banner over it, all the four houses united. Putting one and one together, he knew what this was. "They can't be serious" he growled, more to himself, but his friends heard him. 

Draco was the first out of the group to start walking towards the table. As he did, the first people were just starting to sit down. He spotted a lot of familiar faces at the table, most of whom he owed an apology. And then, just as he wanted to sit down, someone bumped into his shoulder and he stumbled. He turned on his heel, to see who it was. Short red hair, freckles, the Weasel.  
Ron frowned down at Malfoy. "Whoops, didn't see you There" he had a grin on that any Slytherin would be jealous of. Of course he had seen him. 

Draco shook his head as Weasley walked By, but before he could look back down and just sit, he caught Harry glancing at him, mouthing a quiet "sorry".  
Why would he be bloody sorry? 

Blaise and Pansy sat on both of his sides, like a protective wall. They had probably figured he wouldn't notice but he did. And he was thankful for their attempt.  
The other three Slytherins showing back up did not sit with them, they squeezed at the opposite of the table. Draco did not blame them. 

McGonnagall gave a speech that made Draco want to cry. He couldn't decide what the worst part was, that she didn't even blame him, but told everyone to please accept everyone who came back, or her ending note. 

"For those of you who came back for their eight year, as you have already noticed, there is a separate table for you. There also is, and now please stay calm, a separate dorm for all of you. You will no longer be staying in separate houses. We know, that in the last we have made mistakes and we need now, more than ever, to practice inter house unity." 

There was murmuring and whispering spreading at the eight year table. Draco looked up and down the benches for someone laughing, telling them it was a joke. Instead, all he found was a frowning Harry Potter, softening at his confused glare and shrugging at him.

Shaking his head, he quickly looked away. Why did the golden boy have to be the only one not sending him death glares? He was supposed to hate him, maybe the most of them all.  
Draco deserved to be hated by all of them, he had done everything to deserve the pain he felt. 

He did not dare to look up again and possibly meet anyone's eyes, he knew well enough that they would all be starring at the Slytherins, disappointed and disapproving. No one would  have minded the interhouse unity if it wasn't for them. 

He felt Pansy's hand grab his And soon after,her breath close to his ear. Then, she started to whisper. "This is bullshit. But trust me when I tell you that if they make this a living hell, we will make their lives miserable."

Draco smiled to himself bitterly, right, that's what they would do. Just as everyone expected of them.  
It was just, that for some reason, it didn't seem right to him. They had already hurt all these people enough,one way or another. Mostly, it had been just him. Maybe he could've done them all a favor by just disappearing.  
Wasn't that what they all wanted anyways? 

 

Dinner seemed to take forever.  
Finally, everyone had started to get up and as all the other houses had left, professor McGonagall gestured them to follow her. She had led them into one of the freshly rebuilt wings of the castle and stopped in front of a painting. 

"My dear eight years" while in the great hall her voice had sounded loud and confident, in front of only the returning students she sounded almost tired. 

"I would like to say a few words before the chaos of finding your new rooms breaks loose."  
There was a short pause.  
"I am well aware of the old rivalries between all of you. On a house level as well as in a personal level. I can not ask of you to simply forget them or bury them all, but I dearly ask all of you to try your best to leave them behind you. I believe that everyone here should have a fair chance, and while you might not love every since one of your fellow students, please do respect them. You all came back for a reason." 

Draco did know she was talking about them, and so did everyone else. So much about staying low on the radar.  
"Now, to get into your common room, you need to pet the doe on the portrait and she will let you in. Your rooming is non-debatable, I expect of you to handle it maturely." 

She turned to leave, but faced the crowd one last time.  
"I am glad to see you all back, good nigh."  
As she left, Pansy elbowed Draco and whispered "I'm pretty sure I saw a tear in her eye" 

The idea of that was absurd, his professor crying. Not just any professor, McGonagall, she had always seemed tough.


	2. ~2~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for uploading this late  
> (At least in my time zone)  
> But I just got home. :)  
> Enjoy!!

Draco, Blaise and Pansy followed the chattering students into the common room. It could have only been a moment before everyone was gathered around the blackboard, which had the information sheet about the rooming pinned. 

Pansy was the one to push the way for them through the crowd and to the front. After she had found her name, she turned around. Her face had a bright red colour. "I am sharing a room with Millicent, Patil, Abbott, and Granger. Please do kill me before one of them does." 

Draco patted her back. "Poor thing, sharing a room with Millicent. "  
She rolled her eyes. "You know that's not what I meant. " 

He had been about to push past her to find his own name on one of the lists, when there was a deep growl in front of him and the room quieted down. Before he was able to find the source, it found him. Weasley had turned around, his face was almost matching his hair and he looked furious. 

"They can not be serious " Ron growled, blankly staring at the students, his face expressing nothing but hatred and surprise.  
"Hey Harry, hear this, we are sharing a room with Neville and the snake.". The weasel nicked his head in the general direction where he had spotted Draco. Draco gulped. This had turned into a new dimension of disaster. 

Weasley turned on his heel, shot Malfoy a glare that read "You are so dead" and stomped over the the stairs, leaving the common room.

The room had quickly filled with whispers and chatters. "He will kill Harry in his sleep." He heard Hannah Abbott squeak and some boy he believed to be a Hufflepuff yelled back "we need to get him first!" 

Draco felt a sudden anger creep up in him. "Now why would I do that? I could just as well send myself to Azkaban like this." The voices died down. He realized too late that this was the first thing that he, Malfoy, had said out loud that wasn't to his friends.  
The first to dare talk again was, to no one's  
surprise, Thomas. "Maybe, you should do that" 

There were a few nods of agreement and Maybe, someone else would have said something. But someone raised his voice. "He won't. There is no reason he should. Just leave it." 

It had been Potter who spoke, looking down at his feet. As he had finished, he turned around and walked over to one of the love seats. After he had sat down, the crowd slowly started to dissolve, leaving the three Slytherins standing alone at the side. 

"Now if that wasn't a typical heroic Potter move, then I don't know." Pansy meant well, she wanted to relax him, but it wasn't working. Draco's anxiety had already been triggered. Looking even paler than usual and feeling about as stable as a paper boat on a stormy sea, Draco left the new common room. 

As he climbed out of the painting he noticed how everyone was looking at him. "Find another wizard to stare at, idiots" he sneered into the room before he rushed into the next bathroom. 

Minutes later, he found himself leaned against the wall of a bathroom stall, while hot tears ran down his face. Never would he have thought he would agree on something with Thomas, but what he had said wasn't wrong. He would do everyone a favor if he just messed up and went to Azkaban. He would deserve it after all. 

The only thing that had stopped him from doing anything violating his probation had been his mother. And in that moment, it was the only thing as well. He could not do that to her, he had already done enough. He did not need to make it any worse for her. 

The tears he had held back all day long were running down his cheeks, making him a weak and sobbing mess, and he hated it. Hated it and hated himself. Emotions were not a weakness that he could allow himself to have, but he had missed that memo a long time ago, hadn't He? 

As he just sat there, on the floor of a bathroom, he grimaced an ugly smile into his tears. Here he was, Draco Malfoy, acting like a messed up child. Not able to control himself. How bittersweet. 

The salty tears tears ran into his open mouth and he closed his eyes. Bloody house unity or whatever. The headmistress had to be blind to miss out on the obvious error of her idea of mutual acceptance. If he couldn't expect anyone to forgive him, how could she? 

After maybe half an hour, Draco had cried all the tears his body had to give. He felt sad and anxious, next to disgusting and tired. All he wanted was to crawl into bed. 

He quickly washed his face and cast a couple cleaning charms on himself before he had built up the courage to go back and straight into his bed.  
How ironic, courage, probably the last thing anyone expected him to have. 

It had not been hard to climb back into the portrait and rush through the common room, but in front of the door with the paper that read his name, along with three others, he hesitated. There was a good chance that they would beat him up as soon as he walked in there. 

Malfoy clenched his hand into his robe and opened the door. 

No one did beat him up. Maybe, that was because he only grabbed his silk pyjamas in one movement out of his suitcase and ran off into the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, he leaned against it, just now realizing how tense he was. 

Only Potter and Weasley had been in their dorm, bad enough, he thought.  
He stripped off his clothes, neatly folding them and putting them in a pile. He layed a towel next to the exit of the shower and took a step in. 

The warm water running over his shoulders felt good and comforting. Fuck. He realized that he forgot his conditioner next to the pile of his clothes. He left the water running and took a step out to get it. 

Just as he was about to step back into the shower, he heard Weasleys voice, quietly and intense.  
"No Harry, I'm telling you, we can't trust him. "  
"Ron, calm down. It's not like I love this either, but he is a reasonable person. He won't harm anyone. At least not physically, I can't say anything about him being a decent person."  
"Yes, tank you, I am aware that he will constantly sneer at us and remind me of my families financial situation. And I am convinced he will try to hex me in my sleep."  
"Ron, he won't. He wouldn't, and he won't. Especially because...well...I still have his wand..." 

Draco stumbled back into the shower the same second he fell back into reality. What the hell had he just overheard. He definitely had not been supposed to hear that, he knew that much. And Potter, the bastard, still had his wand. 

As he stepped out of the shower he still was confused by what he heard. Why would Potter defend him? And would be ever see his wand again? He couldn't help but hope he would, even if he wasn't sure he would use it again. 

He sighed. Maybe one day.  
In the moment, all he could make of what he heard was what his plan has been anyway, to avoid his roommates as much as humanly possible. Minimize any contact. 

As he stepped back out of the bathroom, the dorm was filled by an awkward silence. They didn't want him to hear any of their conversations, he figured. It wasn't like he cared, ge had become used to these kinds of things since the war. 

Casting a quick glance at the other two boys he realized they were both looking at him. He cursed to himself, this was like being under observation.  
Regardless, he grabbed one of his books, one on transfiguration, and proceeded to climb into his bed. 

He looked across the room to the two boys awkwardly staring at a wall before he closed the curtains around his bed with a wave of his wand. As little privacy as the curtains gave him, he was thankful for it. 

After casting a quick muffliato over his bed he pulled the blanket up and opened his book. 

For maybe ten minutes Draco had been staring at the words, none of them making sense, when he realized that it had no point. He was way too exhausted to focus on anything, even reading. Instead of blankly starring at words without context, he might as well go to sleep. 

+

The next morning, Draco awoke with his head laying on a hard surface. Reaching behind him, he realized he had been laying on his book.  
He had fallen asleep on it without noticing. 

He sighed and proped up on his elbows. It was time to check if Potter and Weasley had either already left or were still sleeping. If he had to guess, Draco would have assumed that he was more likely to get up early than they were. 

It turned out, that he had been right. He slipped out of his bed, locked himself into the bathroom and cast a quick cleaning charm over his teeth while getting dressed. 

He quickly left the dorm room, he did not want to risk being there when anyone woke up. Longbottom had come in late he figured, so he would probably sleep in, but there were still Potter and Weasley. 

Down in the common room Draco checked for a clock and was tempted to laugh at himself. It was 6:30 am, his roommates were way too chaotic to wake up this early. 

Just, what was he supposed to do before breakfast? He quickly accioed  down his book and sat on the couch to read a little. Shortly after, he heard someone coming down the steps.  
He quickly glanced down at the book, blankly starring at it. Like a sad attempt to be as invisible as possible. 

As it turned out, it was Granger, carrying a book as well. Now what was the bloody reason she had to be the one coming down here? Just about anyone else would have been better. 

"Morning, Malfoy" he lifted his eyes off the wall he had been starring at intensely, had Granger just wished him a good morning? As he dared to look over at her, she had sat down on a love seat at the far end of the room. "I assume you were talking to the empty portrait frame?" 

She looked back up from the book she had just started reading. "I in fact, was not." He sighed heavily. There went nothing. "Good morning to you too, Granger." She nodded and went back to reading, like a silent acceptance of his words and his presence. 

Draco was surprised to find himself relieved at her calmness. God, she could have strangled him just as well, and would have had every right to do so. Bloody Gryffindor, he thought, always so noble. Thinking about It, he realized that probably she just wanted to read, any conflict with him would have interfearred with her morning reading. 

He scratched the back of his neck and focused on the words again, losing himself in the words rather than his mind. 

It had been a good 30 minutes and his friends still didn't show up, in his mind, he made a note to yell at them about it later. Then, he closed his book and decided to head down for breakfast, before a lot of people would be down there. 

Checking down his arms, he pulled down the sleeves of his black button up once again and got up. He stuffed the book in his back and quickly crossed the room. 

When he reached the great hall, there really weren't a lot of people there. Roughly 20 people were scattered across all the tables. The only ones at the 8th year table were two Ravenclaws and a guy he believed to be called Goldstein. 

That really wasn't a lot of great company. But, if he really thought about it, who would have been better? Draco rolled his eyes and sat at the far end of the table, keeping the greatest possible distance to everyone. They did look relieved, as he noticed in their faces. He wasn't surprised, no one would want to sit with a deatheater. If he had a choice, he probably wouldn't either. 

Some inner conflicts ended up with him forcing himself to eat a slice of toast and drink a glass of pumpkin juice. He really would have preferred a cup of coffee. 

Just as he had finished and wanted to get up, Potter and his friends walked into the hall. Was it really necessary that they saw him eating alone on top of everything? Surprisingly, he only received a disgusted look from Ron Weasley, the other two appeared to just not pay any attention to him. Good enough, Draco decided before heading off to wake Blaise up. 

A stinging pain hit Dracos right leg, causing him to kneel down. His head spun around, but only to see a black and red robe disappear around the corner. He cursed himself for not thinking of putting up protection charms around himself. Something like this should have been expected. 

If he was right about the robe, it must have been a Griffindor. How quite ironic, one of the oh-so-brave students of the Griffinor house, going around and jinxing someone behind their back. It really was a rather Slytherin kind of move. 

As he'd reached the painting, he'd already put up two protection charms. He would want to avoid another incident, if more people were in the hallway, it would make him look vulnerable. 

He sighed, and fell onto the sofa. How would this even work out once classes started? Would they make things worse, by having him spend time with others in a classroom? Or would it make things better, distracting students with the matter of studying?  
He was not even certain which one e was hoping for. 

Shortly after, Draco had come up with a plan. He would need to keep a low profile, as low as possible. This meant:  
Being early for meals, maybe even getting food from the kitchen.  
Getting up early.  
Entering classrooms right before the class starts, and leaving as quickly as possible.  
Only going into the library during meal times, before breakfast or when most people had went to sleep.  
If people barley noticed him, they would have less of a problem with him being there.  
If he tried hard enough, maybe he could make them forget his presence. 

The next day, he started settling with this routine. The only person it seemed he couldn't avoid was Granger, who got up as early as him, in the mornings. But they had some kind of silent agreement of mutual acceptance, they would say good morning and then read quietly for 30 minutes to an hour. 

That, and hanging out with Blaise and Pansy, occasionally even Millicent, in his dorm when Potter and Weasley were gone were his favorite parts of the days.  
In his dorm, with only Blaise and Pansy present was also the only time he ever took down his protection charms, it had become his habit to put them up every night before sleeping. Every morning, before leaving the dorm, he renewed them. 

Only taking them down he ever realized, how exhausted he felt. Keeping the protection up all day was draining energy that Draco didn't have to give. 

+

It was Friday night, Draco had gone through a whole week back already. He was sitting on his bed, grinning because of a joke Blaise had just made while Pansy was going through his things, doing the unpacking that he had avoided. 

She had gone through more than half of his things, when Blaise said  
"Draco, mate, do you own anything besides long sleeved button up's and shirts?" Pansy threw her head up and shot Blaise one of her infamous death glares.  
"Take notes Blaise, at least all his things are ironed"

Draco was still looking down at his hands. He had caught himself automatically pulling down the sleeves of his shirt at Blaise's words.  
He felt the familiar sting in his eyes, the one that always foreshadowed tears. He blinked quickly, biting back the urge to cry.  
When did he become this sensitive? 

As far as possible to a Zabinis extend, Blaise looked ashamed. "Damn It, Draco, I'm sorry, I should have thought before I opened my mouth."  
Draco drew a grimace at him.  
"It's fine Zabini, not like such a thing could hurt Me, right? Not like I could have any feelings." He realized late how harsh his voice sounded.

Blaise was starring at the floor and Pansy was uncomfortably flicking her eyes across the room, not looking directly at either of the boys.  
Draco tried hard to control his voice this time to not have it sound as hard. "Could you go up to Pansy's room or Something? I'm gonna need a moment." 

Pansy nodded and took Blaise's arm, pulling him over to the door. Blaise mouthed another short sorry before Draco looked away. He heard the door open and waited for the noise of it shutting again.  
But it took long, too long, and when he finally heard the door shut, there were footsteps with it.


	3. ~3~

~

It took all of Draco's strength not to look up to see who it was.  
He kept his head down and reached for his wand, right away a flat, silver bottle flew up to his hand. 

He reached for the cap, trying to unscrew it. His hands were shaking, so badly he could barely even hold the flask. He was fixated on starring at them, as if it would make it stop.  
It did not help, so he tried to grab the cold metal tighter, but it was like he had no control over his own hands.

Whoever was watching him must have been amused at his struggling. His roommates would've probably had a good laugh. 

"Damn It" he muttered under his breath and slowly raised his head, to see who was in there with him.   
To his surprise, it was not Pansy to check on him, but Potter. 

To say Potter looked stunned would be an understatement, he was blankly starring at Draco as if he had never seen a human being. Hastily, he directed his eyes back at his hands in his lap. Mentally, he cursed himself and his friends. How long had the prat been outside the door? Was there any chance he could have heard the fight, if that's what he wanted to call It? 

He took a deep but shaky breath, the air filling his lungs felt cold. It was all he could do, hoping for his words to sound steady "What, Potter? Got a problem?" He spat directly at the other boy, having his eyes flick back up.   
He simply couldn't have Potter know how hurt he was.

Potter took a step forward, cautiously eyeing Malfoy. "I- are you alright?" Draco didn't respond, returning to his attempt of opening the bottle.   
"Do you need help with That?"   
He sat up straight, furiously looking over to Potter.   
"Do you need any help fucking off, saint Potter?" 

It was Potter's turn to look down, but he was fast to direct his eyes at Draco again. He took a couple more steps towards Draco. "Let me help you with That" and before Draco could even react, he was over at his bed and took the bottle from him. 

"Potter, I'm warning you, give me that back-" before he was able to add an insult, his flask was hovering in front of him, opened. Bloody idiot, he thought, he didn't need any help. Especially not from Potter.

He took it anyway and had a few sips right away.   
The firewhiskey felt like it was burning his throat on its way down and he enjoyed the feeling. 

"Don't think I needed you help, Potter"  
he didn't receive an answer except that Potter took another step. He was almost directly at Draco's bed now, leaving only maybe a meter between them.  
"I'm sorry" it was said so quietly, that Draco was convinced that he just imagined it. There was no way Potter had just actually said that.   
However, he still choked on the whiskey that he had just drank. 

"Excuse Me, What?"   
Draco heard Potter exhale slowly and cautiously, and that's how his next words sounded.   
"You know, for what Zabini said. And - for how you feel about it." 

Draco blinked up at him from his bed, to make sure that he was not hallucinating. "So you heard that" was all he stated. Really, could he have been sharing a room with anyone worse?  
He wished that the conversation would have just ended right there. 

"Yeah. But there's another thing..." Draco took another drink from his flask and readjusted his sleeves. 

"Move, Potter, I'm gonna get up. This doesn't seem like a conversation I can have with you looking down on me." It was the truth, for multiple reasons Draco knew that he wouldn't be able to do that. 

The other Boy waited for him to get up, it wasn't hard to tell that he had not yet decided on wether or not he would actually speak, but he seemed to be dying to get something off his mind.  
It took him a moment to look Draco up and down, which made him slightly uncomfortable. He only ever received these kinds of looks with a hint of fear or disgust to them.   
But, neither of these he found in Potters face.

"Listen...I know you have a new wand and everything but..." Draco had stopped breathing, he was hanging on Potters lips, curious to hear what was next, surprised because of what had already been said.   
"I just thought maybe you would want it back. I don't know." Potter almost stumbled over his own words. 

The offer hung in the air between them, filling up the silence. Draco felt that if he took a breath, he could break the fragile atmosphere with the noise. 

"Potter, are you sure...?"   
Potter nodded eagerly.   
"I think so, I heard Seamus hexed you the other day and I thought - I don't know - that maybe you would feel more comfortable having your own wand back." 

They both blinked and Draco's chest started to rise and sink again.   
So it had been Finnigan.  
"I mean, Yes, sure. Would you really trust me with That?"   
He received a shrug.   
"I think so. I don't believe you would do anything. Not anymore." 

Draco felt like thanking him. Part of him even wanted to hug Potter, tell him how much this meant to him and That, even tho he wasn't sure if he would use that wand again, he appreciated the gesture more than he would have ever thought was possible.   
Instead, he held out his bottle. 

"Want some?"   
Potte rlooked a but suspicious. "What is That?"   
"Go figure, Tosser." He stretched his arm further, and finally potter took the bottle. Hesitantly, he took a sip and immediately wrinkled up his nose. 

"Its firewhiskey!?"   
Draco chuckled slightly and sarcastically clapped his hands in applause twice. "Well, it is definitely not pumpkin juice."   
To his very surprise, he received a smile in response, which threw him off so far, he actually smiled back.   
What had just happened?  
"So drinking on school grounds, huh?"

He snatched back the flask from Potter rather fast, sharing be damned, his life was rough and he needed this desperately. He had just taken another drink, maybe he had looked a little to unbothered by the burning sensation the alcohol causes in his throat. Whatever it was, Potter had decided it was appropriate to bring it up.

"Malfoy, do you drink often?"   
The moment of bonding was over as Draco tensed up.   
"Not really your business, is It?" 

"it's not, but I thought maybe you had no one to talk about It".   
Draco frowned at him.   
"I don't need any pity from the golden boy"

He turned to the side and stalked off to the bathroom. Maybe using three spells to lock the door had been a little much, but he wanted to be sure Potter wouldn't follow him.

Internally, he cursed himself a bit, the one time someone would seem willing to help, he'd dramatically ran off. Draco even was able to admit that it had felt Good, Potter smiling at him. He did look good doing that. 

A tear made it's way down Draco's cheek, damned be that boy and his hero complex.   
As fast as it had came, he had wiped off the tear in favor of the rage building up in his stomach. 

Before Draco knew It, he had punched the mirror and the room was filled with shattered glass.   
Bloody Harry Potter, why couldn't he just be like everyone and leave him alone. Why did he have to try to save everyone?   
There was no saving for some, Draco was convinced that he did nothing to deserve saving, nor any apologies

But he wasn't just mad at Potter, he was mad at himself as well. He had let go of some smaller walls, revealing just a bit of softness.   
He was a Malfoy, that was not something he could ever allow. But even less could he allow fucking Potter to bring out his tendencies. 

Potter had even felt sorry for him.   
He had been taught an an early age that pity was not something to ever accept. He did not want to accept it either, it was the last bit of his pride that he had left.

Another shattering noise filled the room as another punch landed on the opposite end of the mirror.   
Draco just now started to feel how wet his face was, tears had ran all over.   
He was oddly glad that he wasn't able to see his reflection in the mirror, only the same fragment of his shoulder, covered by his shirt, and part of his neck, reflected identically by a thousand pieces of broken glass. 

It would have been easy to loose himself in the thousands of pictures, the room bizarrely looked like a composition of art.   
But that didn't happen, the Slytherin boy just washed his face, erased any trace that there had ever been a tear on his perfectly pale skin and fixed the mirror with a flick of his wand. 

When he finally opened the door, it was dark outside. It must have been at least an hour he spent in there, he thought.   
He felt glad that the room was empty. Potterhad probably left long ago.

As he took a couple of steps into the room, he noticed something on his bed. It was a small, sleek, black box.  
His heart was beating fast, he could feel the blood rush through his hands at every beat.   
He would not have expected Potter to go through with this. 

As he slowly walked up to his bed, cautiously eyeing the unknown object, it was like the crying had been forgotten. 

The mattress gave in a bit as he softly fell onto his bed and picked up the box. There was still a suspicious look dancing around his features. Nevertheless, he pulled off the lid and there layed his wand. 

It looked perfect, just like it always had, almost like Potter had polished it.  He didn't dare to take it out of the box and hold it yet, but only looking at it gave him a hint of feeling at home. 

Without the box sitting on his bed, Draco noticed a note, exactly where the wand had been sitting, it had likely been placed underneath.   
What could Potter possibly still have to say? 

"Malfoy,  
I'm sorry if I crossed a line, it wasn't my intention to upset you.   
I hope you can forgive me.   
H.P  
Ps: please take the wand, I believe it would mean a lot to the both of us."

Now what exactly did he mean by that? He was confused, trying to focus on the mess in his head but he failed miserably. 

Instead, he drifted off into a world where he understood what Potter meant by saying that it would mean a lot to both of them. What could giving back the wand possibly mean to Potter? 

He snapped back and closed the box. With a flick of his wand and a couple of muttered words, it was sealed and buried at the bottom of his suitcase, hidden by his robes.

All of it did speak for Harry Potter as a person. It almost had seemed like he cared about Draco in a weird kind of way, maybe because he had saved his life and he did not wish for that effort to have been wasted.   
Whatever it was, Draco didn't understand it. And to the best of his ability, he tried not to think about it. 

For the third night in a row Draco had caught himself at night, behind the safety of his closed curtains, holding the box, stroking it and once even running a finger along the wand.   
The wood had felt cold, yet soft and warm.   
Almost like the wand was asleep, waiting for Draco and the moment he would pick it up. 

As Draco caught that thought, the magical feeling had gone and he had quickly put the box away, that would take a lot more time. 

The next morning, he waited in the common room, sitting and starring at his book. It was odd, but he found himself not being able to focus with Granger being late.   
Five minutes after her usual time, she rushed in and said a tired good morning before sitting down. 

Draco turned to read, but already had lost his interest after only a short time. It had been half an hour since he came down, he could go to breakfast.   
He had just stuffed the book into his bag, when he did something that surprised him just as much as it did Granger. 

"Do you wanna come to breakfast?"   
Her eyes darted up from her book, suspiciously looking around and finally into his eyes.   
"Excuse me?" Her tone sounded a bit sharp, but still well-meaning.   
"I don't know. Just forget it."   
It was an awkward silence. 

He felt the urge to run off, but it was too late. She got up and walked over to him. "Actually, I have been thinking about asking you the same thing for a couple of days now."

He was careful to keep his head down and to avoid directly looking at her.   
"Did you want anything, Malfoy?"   
His blood heated up, in a desperate attempt not to answer the question in any way that could destroy the sort of mutually accepting reading bond they had formed.   
The thought of that scared him. 

They had walked in silence most of the way already when He finally stopped and looked at her.   
"I figure it was just...well I think I owe you an apology. Or a lot of apologies."   
He took a deep breath before he started. 

"The first should probably be for second year, when I called you a mud- no, for when I thought that I was any better than you becauseof my blood. Also for every time after that. It took me a long time to realize that I was raised to believe in a very wrong ideology, and I can not possibly justify or excuse that. I can only hope that you will be able to one day accept my apology.   
I'm also very sorry about what happened to you at the manor. It was horrible and I should have for something, I even knew back then that I should have." 

Maybe he would have went on, but she interrupted him before he got to.   
"Malfoy, stop, it's okay."   
It was possible that she looked even paler than him.  
He had a weird feeling, apologies were not something he was used to, but he felt a little lighter than Before, like a tiny weight had been lifted off his chest. 

"You know, Malfoy, just a couple of months ago I would never have believed that this day would come, but I think I accept the apology."   
Draco gasped in disbelief.   
"Granger, are you sure? You really don't have to..." 

She smiled and took a fee steps towards the hall. "I think I am. I'll let you know if I change my mind.   
Now come on, I am hungry." 

The moment of hesitation had seemed to take forever when Draco finally took a step to follow her.   
Hermione had stopped and waited for him to catch up. When He took too long, she turned around and sighed.   
"Don't worry Malfoy, I know there might be looks if we eat together, but they won't hate you more because of that. If they do, I promise I'll make them fucking shut up."  
Before he knew it, he was staring right up into her eyes and then started laughing.

"Never have I ever heard Granger let such a word slip." It felt like it had been ages since he had found anything this simple funny.   
"Now you've ruined the whole image I've had of you."

Surprisingly, she had joined in and laughed with him.   
"Should I be concerned that you had an imaginary image of me at all?"   
He grinned at her.   
"no need, Granger, that's not really my thing."

She smiled at him politely, but with a knowing spark in her eyes that left him wondering what she knew. Granger was a smart and observant witch, but if she had figured him out in this one, particular mater, maybe someone else had as well. It was impossible that anyone knew about his tendencies, it was the last thing he needed.   
"Let's get in there now, shall we."

She interrupted his train of thought and Draco was secretly thankful she did. "Well then, let's go." He said and followed shortly after her.

The one good thing about the 8th year table was, that no one would question why they both sat at the same table. However, it would probably be questioned why next to each other. 

They finally sat down, but the conversation had died. Draco was well aware that it was probably his job to revive It.   
He was hesitant about what to say, his thoughts were racing about whether or not she hated him in this very moment. 

"Granger, I don't really feel my apology earlier was enough for all I've done. For all that my family has done to you and your friends.   
I've made questionable decisions..." 

She cut him off before he was able to go on.   
"Malfoy, I do not question that your apology was genuine. You're still kind of a sarcastic, snobby prat but your taste in books talks in your favor." 

He blankly starred at her. Hermione Granger had just insulted him and probably gave him what was a compliment in her language in the same sentence.   
"Potter gave me my wand back" 

Draco felt like he could slap himself. Blabbering out of nowhere, speaking without thinking it through first, that was not like him. How did this just happen?   
He had half expected her to laugh at him. Instead, she smiled and nodded.   
"I know. I think he did the right thing." 

"You- you do?"   
She looked at him in a way that Draco guessed was supposed to be encouraging, but it only half worked.   
"Thank you, Granger." 

They spent the rest of their breakfast talking about books. And to his own surprise, Draco even listened to her talk about muggle books, without getting bored. 

Just as they were about to get up he remembered what he had been meaning to ask her all morning long.   
"Uh, I've wanted to ask you, why were you late this morning?" 

He noticed how at first, all colour drained from her face, but by the time she started speaking, it had already gone back to a suspiciously pink colour.   
"I- uh- I kind of...slept in."  
Her face had a bright red colour and it looked like she was burning up. 

Draco attempted a smile.   
"I suppose it's personal? I can accept that, don't worry."   
Her shoulders dropped a bit, as if she just relaxed a bit.


	4. ~4~

The first class of the day was charms, which Draco classified as bearable. At least sitting next to Pansy he was able to chat.  
Half of the class was over when he finished telling her about his breakfast with Granger. 

"I had breakfast with Granger, I laughed with her, and I apologized. Pansy, how did this happen?"  
She shrugged at him in response, but blushed and had now slightly pink cheeks. 

It was gone quickly and Draco was questioning if maybe he had just imagined it. He was a mess, far from sane, it was anything but impossible that he imagined things. 

He cast a glance over at her to check, but she was already looking at him with her bet death glare.  
"You forgot something."  
"Excuse me?"  
"You left out the part where Potter gave you your bloody wand while you were drinking." 

A tense since hovered in between them for a second.  
"That would leave the question as to why you know anyways?"  
She frowned at him.  
"First of all, Draco Lucius Malfoy, I do not like it when you keep things from me. We both know that very well.  
Secondly, uh, I believe Granger mentioned it...."

It was not usual that this occurred, but in that moment, Draco Malfoy was speechless. And not because he was anxious, or because he was sad or scared, but simply because he was surprised.  
However, it did not take him too long to adjust to the situation, enough to speak, at least. 

"Now why would Granger tell you something like that." He said, raising an eyebrow at her.  
"Probably because I am nice and shared my firewhiskey with her and then we had late night talks." 

Suddenly Pansy growled, as his she hit her under the table.  
"Are you using Granger as a tool for your stalking?"  
She grinned back too widely.  
"I, in fact, am not." 

"Merlins beard, why then?"  
Suddenly, it occurred to him why. It was obvious, he should have figured it out earlier. Maybe he was just as oblivious as all those Gryffindors.  
He had to pull himself back, before she could answer.  
"Wait, actually, don't answer that."

She grinned back cheekily.  
"So you have an idea then?"  
He grimaced.  
"I think I do. I don't like it a lot though."  
The pink colour seemed to be permanent on her cheeks now.  
Damn it, did everyone get soft? 

+

Next on his schedule was herbiology, a class which he admittedly hated. Plants and Hufflepuff's,that's what he connected with it. That didn't sound very appealing. 

As far as his favour for classes went, this was last on his list. And maybe defence.  
Anyway, it didn't get better since now all the eight years were a house. So he had to deal with Gryffindors and Hufflepuff's at the same time. Ravenklaws were acceptable. 

They stood before green house 3, waiting for professor sprout.  
Draco had been almost the last one to arrive.

They also shared this class with the 7th years Ravenclaws. The only person who was later than him was Luna Lovegood. She hurried to the greenhouse and looked quite happy with herself, despite the fact that she was late. 

She stood next to him at the back of the crowd, smiling brightly.  
"Hello Malfoy, are you as exited as me today?"  
He raised an eyebrow and glanced over at her.  
"Now why would I be exited?" He said but his undertone didn't come out quite as sarcastic as it usually would have. 

"There's a nest of Nargels on the 4th floor. I visited them today."  
Unwillingly, he raised his second eyebrow at her.  
"Is that so?"  
She smiled quite happily back. 

"Yes." She answered. Then she considered for a moment.  
"Of course, I forgot, you don't have to be exited. I'm not even sure you wanna be here, right?"  
He frowned. What was that supposed to mean?

"I'm sorry, I don't follow?" He asked.  
She shook her head.  
"Well, the others are here because they chose to return, silly. For you it's part of your probation, right?"

He swallowed. He had told no one about this, not even Pansy or Blaise.  
People were not supposed to know all the restrictions he had, all the conditions for his freedom were only for him to know.  
"What in the hell are you talking about, Lovegood?" He almost hissed at her. 

"You know, I'm sorry Draco. I wish you wouldn't have to be here if it's not what you want. You should be free."  
This bloody girl. She had just called him by just first name, almost like they were friends.  
The worst part was, that he wasn't even that mad, just in a way confused. 

She had hit a nerve there. Even if he was here because it was in the Ministeries conditions, would he still be here if it had been his choice?  
He honestly didn't know. 

He snapped back into reality and looked back at Lovegood, who was still looking right at him, who knows how long she had.  
"Okay, I don't know how you found out, but thanks, I guess" 

She nodded. "You're very welcome. I hope that you'll still be happy here."  
Happy, it hit him by surprise. How could she hope that he was Happy?  
Talking to her only ever reminded er of what had happened to her. 

"Listen, Lovegood, I- I'm-I'm sorry." He said.  
To his surprise, she turned serious, only for a moment, them her smile returned.  
"Apology accepted, I don't blame you for anything. And oh, Draco, do call me Luna." 

Unwittingly he chuckled. That girl would always be a mystery, calling him by his first name and going around being all nice and Happy.  
If he remembered quite right, Pansy had mentioned once or twice that she apparently had been seen holding hands and kissing the Weasley girl. 

"Alright, Luna. I have a question, are the rumours true, about you and she-wea... I mean Weasley."  
If I was possible, her smile even widened.  
"Oh yes, Ginny is wonderful. I'm wonderful when I'm with her." 

How did people do this? He was at a loss, finding love with someone who couldn't produce an heir. It was unthinkable to the Malfoy family.  
His father had once gotten mad at him because he didn't have an appropriate match yet. 

"That's nice. Maybe you can calm her temper a bit." He attempted to get his thought off the place where they were going.  
"Oh I've actually found I quite like her temper, it is nice in specific situations."

He realized what she meant seconds later. "Oh. Ohh. I can't say anything about that part, but Personally, I've not had the best experiences with it."  
Luna only shrugged. "Hm, that would be possible."  
She sounded quite dreamy and it drew Draco from the sadness and memories that started to fog up his mind. 

Professor Sprout arrived only 5 minutes late, which was good for her. She greeted the class and let them into the green house where the rest of the lesson went by rather slowly in Draco's perception. 

His main light was, that while Pansy stood on his right side, Luna was next go her and to his very surprise, the two of them seemed to get along rather well. He overheard them talking about the relationship between Luna and the Weasley girl quite a bit. 

Even if he had a glance of an idea, he still couldn't help but wonder why she was so interested in it. Draco very well knew that Pansy was into boys and girls, but she had never had a serious relationship with either.  
Love didn't seem to be a Slytherin thing.  
Or maybe, it was just them. 

Only about half of the class had passed when it became all too much for Draco. This day had already been filled with two apologies, Granger and Lovegood. That alone was enough, but he there were the words of his father, ever present in his head. He tried his best to ban them from his consciousness, but they were only to be replaced by worse thoughts.  

It was like the apologies of the day were echoing through his head. They weren't good enough, just like him. It was all he could think of.  
His family and himself had put those girls through so much more than he could ever bear.  

Even if he had gone through less he had broken, and while he was jealous of their strenght, he felt like he owed everyone much more than those weak apologies. 

Dracos hands weren't steady to grab the bowtruckles on the tree anymore. He needed to get out of the closed off green house and onto fresh air. Maybe it would steady his breath a bit. 

Instead, he decided he should pull himself together. In the short time of this school year he had already showed enough weakness. His self pity needed to stop.  
The last tad of the Malfoy raising in him told him this. 

For the remainder of the class he tried and failed to block out the conversation between Pansy and Luna. The only possible distraction was to look away, which meant across the table they were all standing at. 

But across the table from him stood Potter, and when Draco had carefully looked over, Potter had smiled at him. After that, he decided that he would not dare another look at the bother boy.  
That didn't quite work, he looked at him again, at least twice.

Malfoy noticed how potter's hair looked like he hadn't put any effort into It, yet it still looked good. It had a shimmer to it.  
One strand of hair had fallen from the rest and was hanging down over Potter's eyebrow.

Draco damned him for being able to look so effortless good. He wished that would work for him. He was just a bit jealous of how everything worked out for the perfect boy. 

As he was at it once, he also noticed how Potters robes fit his shoulders. They were now much more bold than they used to be and his arms looked quite muscular. It wasn't the first time Draco noticed how he had changed. He had just never allowed himself any further thoughts about it. 

After Herbiology, he had a break. All the 8th year students that didn't take Divination did.  
Draco decided to try the library during this time to try and get some homework done. He had to write three feet for Alchemy and an essay on the effects of an _engorgio_ on living things for charms. 

He hurried along the halls to get there before anyone else did, if he was in the library already when other students arrived, they tended to avoid the table he sat At, giving him some privacy. 

When he walked into the library there were barley any students there. He kept his eyes down and just took up an empty table, not checking out who else was in there. Draco had learned that it made most people uncomfortable if he looked at them directly. His mere presence did it for most already. 

After he had out his stuff down, Draco picked went through the shelves for the three books which he knew he would need. He had just found the last one and turned to bring them to his table.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise as all his books fell to the ground and He stumbled backwards. He had ran right into someone. 

Draco heart was pounding as he didn't dare to look up and see who it was. Whoever he had ran into would probably yell at him or hex him now. It was to be expected, after all. 

An irrational fear quickly took over him. "Sorry sorry sorry" he mumbled and tried to hurry past, but the other person blocked his way.  
He got close enough to noticed the familiar scent of cologne when he tried to pass and the student stepoed in his way once again. 

He knew this cologne because he always found the scent to be nice when it was lingering in his dorm...Potter was the one who used it. 

Bloody hell, why through his brain. He had successfully avoided Potter since the day he got his wand back.  
"Potter, get out of my way..."

The other Boy grabbed his his arm and held on to it.  
"Calm down, Malfoy."  
Just now he realized how fast his breath was going. 

"I am calm, you just threw me off. I wouldn't wanna get thrown out of the library because of you." Draco said.  
Potter was such a git, why couldn't he just leave him alone?

The grip on his arm loosened and He finally raised his head to look up. He was surprised to see that Potter was looking at him very softly, Draco even read a little concern in his face, but he wasn't sure. 

"Are you okay? I didn't see you, sorry." Potter sounded like he was genuinely sorry.  
"Don't worry. Not a big deal." It was a lie, judging from the effect it had had on Draco, he just hoped it wasn't too obvious. 

"It didn't seem like that " Draco sighed, why couldn't that idiot just leave It? Why couldn't he stop being concerned?  
"Okay Potter, look, I'm not about to tell you my life story and all my secrets so you can just leave it." 

Draco's anxiety was at a threatening level. He felt caged and just hoped Potter would let go of him finally. He had the very strong urge to pull down his sleeve on the arm that was being held and it made his panic even worse.  
It was like a tick, holding down his sleeves was the only thing that helped to make him feel slightly better. And he wasn't able to to that now. 

"Why can't you stop being a bloody prat and just talk to me?" The sound of Potters voice ripped him out of the anxious state only for the seconds he needed to process the words.  
"Why would you want to talk to me?"  
The second the question had shot through his brain, he had said it. 

His arm dropped from the grip that had held it and do ally he was able to pull the sleeve own to his hand, it has slid up just a tad but enough to make him very uncomfortable.  
In front of him, Potter was scratching his neck.  
"I- don't know..." Potter said, helplessly looking around.  
"Yeah, that's what I thought." It came out more bitter than Draco had intended, but it only made it more clear that he meant it. 

The moment that Potter hesitated, Draco used to slip past him and quickly leave the library. He was already on his way to the next bathroom to calm down. 

Minutes later, Draco had locked himself into a bathroom stall and was breathing slowly and consciously. In the quiet and lonely room, his thoughts caught up with him.  
All the thoughts and memories he had pushed away earlier. 

In the moment that he recognized the smell of the cologne he knew that it wasn't jealousy he felt towards Potter. It was something else.  
He couldn't quite pin point It but he had a hint of an idea.  
His father's all present words came back to him, just like they had earlier. 

_I don't care about your feelings, Draco. You're a Malfoy, you will produce an heir for this family._  
_Don't you think I notice your disgusting tendencies? You will conceal them and not bring any more shame to this family. I'm giving you the option whether you marry Pansy Parkinson or one of the Greengrass girls._   
_That's the least you can do for this family, but I want you to know how disappointed I am.  
I've seen the looks you give the Zabini boy. Get your act together Draco, don't give your mother another thing to worry about. _

On that day, Draco denied it. He couldn't explain why it had left him feeling broken, but e denied it to his father, and a bit to himself.  
But that was then, he had since worked on stopping the denial to himself at least. He was slowly learning to accept, that he liked boys. 

Draco was positive that Pansy had it long figured it out and was waiting for him to open up, but who knew when that would be.  
And really, he didn't believe that in this world there was a boy left who could love him. He wasn't even sure he was capable of that himself, so he couldn't see a point. 

Maybe here and there he could find someone for his physical needs, he had had affairs with boys before, but never anything serious. 

When he went to lick his lips, there was a salty taste to it. He reached up to his face to feel that it was wet with tears. 

He had never cared less. His thoughts had started circling around why Harry Potter apparently searched his presence.  
What could the golden boy want from the silver but dull Slytherin he was? 

There was no reasonable explanation, Potter should hate him. An audible sob left his chest. If he hated himself, so should everyone else.  
It all was a mystery to him and as hard as he tried to solve the puzzle he didn't come to any conclusions.  
Nothing made sense. 

The stinging of his drying eyes pulled him into reality, he had cried too much, he felt exhausted.  
He decided to postpone any other emotional outbreaks and over thinking until He was in his bed at night. 

Despite his attempt of distraction, he just couldn't stop thinking about Potter. It had already confused him when he saved his life during the battle.  
Maybe he should ask Granger about It, but he wasn't sure if she would tell him anything. Maybe being friendly to him had been a one time thing. 

Draco attempted to get up and leave the bathroom, but he couldn't stand up. He tried to pull himself up but fell back down right away.  
What terrible joke was his body playing on him? 

Three more times he attempted to stand up until he gave up.  
"Bloody hell" he whispered.  
The all too familiar feeling of weakness came back. He was helpless and alone. 

No reasonable options came to him, nothing really made sense. He pulled out his wand to at least cast a cleaning spell on his button up that was wet from tears.  
It felt draining and only half of the wet spots disappeared. 

Suddenly, it came to him.  
"Fucking protection spells" he muttered to himself.  
The occlumency walls protecting his thoughts, the two protection spells the kept up around him all day, it was too much.  
His emotional exhaustion had drained all that was left of his energy. 

To recover, he would have to take everything down. But that meant he would need to go around around the school without any safety.  
The thought scared him, it would feel like being exposed and vulnerable. 

But, he didn't have a lot of other choices. _get up_ was all that he could think. His hand was shaking as he raised his wand and undid the spells protecting him.  
Out of his bag he fished a piece of chocolate. He had kept that in there from the times when he used to try to produce a patronus. He had long given that up. His constant failing had convinced him that because of his actions, he wasn't able to produce anything like a patronus. His soul probably wasn't pure enough. 

After a short moment, Draco started to feel better. He regained some of his strength and was finally able to get up. 

As soon as he walked out into the hall, he felt nervous. He had gotten too used to the safe walls around him, now anything could happen. He had figured out that it would take up to 24 hours until he could put his magic walls back up.

Somehow, the day passed. The classes had seemed to take at least twice as long as usually, and when dinner finally came, Draco felt a great relief.


	5. ~5~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey.  
> I am so sorry for a whole week of no updates, as well as for the mess that this chapter is. In my defence I can only say that about half this was written while I was drunk.  
> I still hope you can enjoy this :)  
> To make up for the lack of loading all week, I'll try to have a short chapter up tomorrow.

~  
It was only the second time since the year had started that Draco was in the great hall for a meal at the standard time, in the middle of the wave of other students.  
He knew that he needed the energy that the food would give him. It would help him.  
Working against the uncomfortable feeling deep inside of him, he put a bit of chicken and some salad on his plate. Every cell of his body wanted to refuse to eat in the filled hall, but he ate anyways. 

After the dinner, he made his way to the eight year common room and took a quick shower, before basically passing out in his bed.  
A night of sleep was supposed to work like a recharge on his energy, and it did. 

When he awoke the next morning, everything felt like always. It was quiet behind the curtains of his bed. Careful not to be too loud, as always, Draco started to get up and grabbed the pile of clothing, already prepared next to his bed. 

But when he looked around the room, something was off. The curtains around Weasleys bed were completely open, and potter's bed looked empty as well. His eyes shot over to the little clock on Potters bed side table. 

9:39 it read. He stood still, like in shock. This was the most he had overslept in the last couple of months. When it came to him that it was Saturday, he only relaxed a bit.  
He never slept this long, not even on weekends. 

Slowly he started to adjust to this new situation. He was probably too late for breakfast, as well as his morning reading with Granger. Potter and Weasley were probably up doing who knows what. So, not actually that much different. 

He still wanted to go change in the bathroom, it was safer. He wouldn't risk anyone walking in on him with his shirt off. Out of a habit he grabbed his wand and his clothes for the day, when suddenly he froze. 

There had been a noise in the bathroom. Suddenly, the lock on the door clicked. Draco felt like he had left his body, watching the scene from across the room.  
Until now, he had successfully avoided meeting any of his roommates in the morning. 

He caught himself secretly hoping it would be anyone but Potter or Weasley.  
Slowly, the door opened and Potter stepped out.

His dark hair was even messier than usually.  
Draco's breath had completely stopped. Potter wasn't dressed yet, he had a pair of jeans on and a towel laying around his neck. But no shirt.

They exchanged a short look, but to Draco, it seemed like eternity. Quickly he let his eyes glide down to the floor, but not without looking down Potters body in the process.  
He disliked the git very much, but it was only honest to admit that his body was decent to look at. 

One of the sides of Potters mouth raised up and He gave Draco a crooked half-smile.  
"Oh, good morning, I wasn't sure if you would wake up before I got out."  
Draco blinked. He still hadn't processed what he was seeing. 

"I did. Morning." His answer was short and He sounded rude, but somehow, Potter still smiled.  
He ran a hand through his still wet hair and Draco almost choked on his breath.  
It seemed a bit questionable to him that the savior of the wizarding world had apparently not managed a simply drying charm yet.

Potter had strode over to his bed and was going through a drawer for a shirt.  
While Draco uncomfortably held the pile that was his clothes right about his arm, to cover his Mark, he couldn't make his legs walk towards the bathroom. They refused.  
The whole situation was too peculiar. 

As he considered why he hadn't been prepared for this, suddenly he realized something. When he woke up, he didn't hear anything. 

"Potter, did you shower with no water or cast a muffliato, because I didn't hear you before you opened the door."  
Potter turned around, now holding a shirt, but he didn't put it on. 

Draco was again, thrown off. He was really starting to question what was up with that.  
Potter shrugged "You noticed? Yes, I cast a muffliato." 

A lot went through Draco's head. He would usually cast the silencing spell, over his bed so nobody would hear him waking up from nightmares. Or when he was crying,so nobody would hear him sob or scream.  
It was part of his safety routine, and he couldn't help but wonder if Potter also cast more than just the muffliato.  
So why would Potter need it? 

"Why?" Potter awkwardly looked away, scanning the floor to his right, when another idea came to Draco. Suddenly, he could relate to the uncomfortable vibe Potter had started to give off, he really didn't want to hear the answer, probably.  
So he took it back, to the best of his ability.  
"Sorry, never mind, none of my business." 

"Don't worry, most people in the wizarding world do actually view my life as their business."  
Was Potter saying that he didn't like all the attention?  
"If you put it that way, should I feel guilty?" 

Potter chucked, it sounded nice, kind of deep and very authentic.  
It had a calming effect on Draco.  
"Not as long as you don't read articles about me in the daily prophet."  
Draco was tempted to smile as Well.  
"Easy, haven't read any of their articles in the past two years."

Potter laughed. A real laugh.  
Draco was completely stunned by the reaction and by the beautiful sound. He wanted to hear that again.  
In the middle of that thought, he realized what he was thinking, he needed to collect himself. 

When his eyes met Potter's again, they were both smiling. The eye contact was broken when the shirt finally slipped onto potter's body.  
Draco relaxed a bit.  
"See you down in the common room?"  
In response, he only nodded before disappearing off into the bathroom. 

He slipped out of his silk pyjamas and into his version of casual clothing for a weekend.  
A pair of black jeans and a grey button up. Some people might have viewed this as formal, but to him it was essential. 

Shortly after, Draco left to look for Pansy and Blaise downstairs.  
Before he had even walked down the last two stairs, Pansy had already spotted him.  
"Good morning, sleepy head. Do you have any explanation for this?" 

Draco walked over, in the most gracious stomping motion.  
"I just want to clarify that I only slept in. No big deal."  
She smirked back at him.  
"Whatever you say Draco." He was irritated. She seemed to be in a good mood, but why?

Looking around, everyone seemed happily exited. The air was filled with the blabbering and laughing of the people in the common room.  
It seemed like they were all collectively happy and foolish.  
Draco's eyes sparked up for a short moment when he got an idea, it probably was their Saturday mood. 

It was ridiculous, yet, Draco felt a sting of jealousy towards everyone who could be happy about such a minor thing. 

"What's the matter with You, did the lot of sleep not help your mood?"  
Internally, he smiled, but he wouldn't let her have that victory.  
"Did your lack of sleep help yours?"  
Playfully, she hit his shoulder.  
"I asked first."

Draco jumped as someone behind him suddenly spoke.  
"What, are we like first years now?"  
The voice had already given away Zabini, but out of a reflex, Draco shot around anyway. 

Zabini laughed slightly.  
"Sorry mate, I didn't mean to scare you. Or did I ?"he said it in a cheerful manner, that Draco just couldn't manage to be mad.  
Deep inside, he wondered when he had became so soft. 

"So Boys, sorry to interrupt,but what are the plans for the weekend?"  
For a moment Draco weighted the options, which were admittedly, not a lot.  
"Homework?"  
Her look spoke of disgust.  
"Any serious ideas?" 

Blaise smirked.  
"Whatever we do should include some whiskey."  
Draco rolled his eyes. It seemed like they hadn't understood what he realized a long time ago.  
They were not the kids that wanted to party and get drunk anymore. Their lives had been permanently changed, forced them to grow up, and they knew it, they just tried to go back to normal. But he wasn't.  
Pretending like nothing happened and things were the same as before the war seemed wrong. Yet, he understood why they were acting like that. 

It just was a fact that he had started using the alcohol to make everything easier, it had gotten a whole new meaning to him.  
But to Draco, it didn't seem like that happened to anyone else. 

Scanning the room, maybe for someone that looked just out of place as he felt, Draco registered a close movement. 

The familiar feeling of fear and anxiety came over him once again. He had to blink out of the blur that everything had been to see what it was. 

The object quickly became clear as a wand, Draco automatically assume sit was pointed at him. Then, it was gone.  
Another blink, and he saw that it was Weasley holding it. 

The feeling of being bare and exposed came back. Quietly, Draco cursed himself.  
The mess that he was, he had forgotten to put his protection back up this morning. To him, it really was a naive mistake.  
Not even having a conversation wth Potter in the morning could excuse letting his guar down like that. 

He felt tense, and he imagined a hundred things that could happen..  
Then, just a vial flew past him and into Weasley hand.  
The realization came slowly. It was just paranoia, nothing had happened. 

Part of Draco eased up again as he slowly exhaled. Nothing had happened, but that's not what he had been expecting. There was no reason for his irrational fear,he told himself, but every person in that common room scared him, except for his friends. 

While he tried to figure out where the sudden burst of anxiety had came from, he had already waved the wand in his pocket a couple of times, and all his protections were up again.  
It just didn't feel as safe as before. 

He tried to settle his mind back on the weekend. If they found a private spot, maybe the three of them could just get wasted together.  
He was about to tell Blaise and Pansy, he had figured that one of them might know a place. 

Before he got to open his mouth and say something, Potter strode over.  
Draco had seen him from the corner of his eye, but now he was standing in front of Pansy and next to him.  
"Uh hi." 

Draco watched as Pansy narrowed her eyes, she looked suspicious, for a good reason.  
"Do you want anything, Potter?"  
Pansy said in a time of her voice that she usually would use when ranting about something. But he was sure it was to cover up curiosity. 

"Well, we were thinking of having a little eight year party tonight, plus Ginny and Luna, and Hermione and I wanted to ask if you guys wanna come."  
Draco caught himself trying to read potter's face, scanning for any intentions that were not what he said. It did not make any sense. Not even Potter could tell him that they actually wanted them there. 

"Excuse me, I don't think I've heard you right." Draco looked over to Blaise, who looked quite please with himself.  
Potter was awkwardly shifting from side to side. Then he stopped, and just looked straight at Draco. 

"See, I still think you guys are bloody prats and incredibly annoying. But Hermione told me that Malfoy apologized, and McGonagal did say a lot about house unity. So we figured we should at least try. " 

All the wheels in his head were turning. He looked over at Pansy, his expression was like a subtle cry for help.  
His eyes found Pansy, but she was blinking up at Potter. 

"Okay, you have my attention, tell me more." He knew the sparkle in her eyes, she was exited. She didn't want to give it away, but this was really something she wanted.  
Not only the party, but the inclusion. And if he'd have to guess, also the fact that Potter mentioned that Granger wanted them there. 

For his part, he was confused. The motive why they would want them in even the same room as everybody else wasn't clear to him. Neither did he understand why Potter was the one asking them. 

He postponed finding the answers to that later, first he wanted to hear what Potter further had to say.  
"We had the idea of using the room of requirements, and while the headmistress would agree with the concept of house unity, she probably wouldn't agree with all the booze that Dean and Seamus are bringing." 

"So far so good. Count us in, Potter."  
Pansy had just agreed for the three of them collectively. For a moment, he considered disagreeing, but would he really prefer to sit in the library, on his own, and be sad and pathetic? 

It really barley made a difference, only that in one scenario he would be confronted with a lot more people that despised him, but then again, he knew well enough that that only was something he could get used to for the rest of his life. 

He faced Potter and gave him a polite nod, and gladly the boy understood that it was his cue to leave.  
"Thank you for planning out my might Pansy, but I don't recall agreeing to this." Blaise sounded almost offended, but Draco could relate to him. 

"Oh shut up, you'll thank me later."  
Draco's lips curled up in a smirk. He had learned that it was best not to disagree with Pansy's bossy side, and Blaise knew it just as Well, but he just couldn't leave it. 

"Is that so, Parkinson? In what universe?"  
Watching those two in their playful fights had always been amusing to Draco, he always enjoyed it, and that time wasn't any different. 

"For starters, it will give you an excuse to get drunk." She received an eyeroll in response.  
"I can do that just as well with only the two of you."  
She narrowed her eyes, Draco could tell she was trying to come up with a good answer to that.

"Darling, I'm not having you hit on me again becauseyou're wasted, you've got to find someone else for that."  
Blaise looked over at Draco for help, but Draco could barley restrain himself from laughing. 

"Come one Draco, what do you think?" Blaise had run out of sassy comments and was now only trying to keep his face in front of Pansy. Draco was not about to jump at his side, Pansy had meant no harm when she agreed to go to the Party.  
"I think she got you there, and that secretly you're exited to go. You just can't admit it." 

He gave Blaise a short look, that came as close to apologetic as it was possible for a Malfoy.  
"Oh I see, Draco, you're a wanker. And Pansy, you're delusional. I hope you guys are aware that I will outshine the both of you."

Pansy smiled up at them.  
"That is more like it. So where exactly is the room of requirements?"  
Draco gulped, as it suddenly dawned on him. It was ridiculous that he hadn't realized it earlier. 

He could not go into that room again, he would never admit it, but he was deadly terrified.  
That was, if the room was even accessible anymore.

That room held memories, terrible memories. He had made some of the worst decisions of his life in there, and it had been the location of countless of his breakdowns.  
On top of that, the last time he remembered it, it burned down. 

"For fucks sake" he muttered quietly enough that no one could hear.  
"I'm not sure it's still there." He spoke clear, but quietly.  
Both the faces of his friends read confusion at his sudden change of mood.  
"Draco, what is it?" Blaise said in a quiet voice, the volume adjusted to Draco's previous statement. 

"It burned down."  
After all he knew, I was possible that different set ups of the room still worked, but it was just as possible that the Fiendfyre was still burning in there, ready to finish it's task of killing him. Potter sure wouldn't save him again. 

"How? What happened?"  
Draco swallowed thickly, the memories of that day still haunted him in his dreams. Talking about it didn't feel comfortable, but he owed it to his friends. It was like an annoying little voice in his head, commanding him to speak. 

Before he knew it, he blurted out words, which he regretted seconds later. "It was Goyle. Fiendfyre, its how he died."  
Any other time, tears would have risen to his eyes at mentioning the death of his friend. But he was too fixated on the anxiety he felt about going back to the room.

It felt like the anxiety was burning his chest, like the fiendfyre from his nightmares had go ally reached him.  
Distantly, he heard Pansy's gasp, and he didn't need to look to know that she was covering her mouth with one hand. 

As he thought about it, he realized that he had unconsciously avoided the fifth floor since they came back.  
He had not even been on the floor, not even in a different hallway.  
Maybe it had really been a traumatizing experience. 

A bitter frown manifested on his face. They would go and have a party in the same place where his friend, if that was what Goyle had been, died, the same place that had been the entrance to Hogwarts for the death eaters, and where he had prepared to kill Dumbledore. 

To Draco, the room had always been a dark place, and all these people would now just go and have fun there.  
Most of them didn't even have a clue of the rooms history. No good could come from anything connected to the room, especially not a party. 

The two others were starring at him with shocked expressions and questioning looks. Maybe it had been unfair not to tell anyone, but Draco had never felt ready to talk about the events in the room. The vague official version of Goyles death had been  
'Died during the battle' and no one had questioned it, because he had stood on the wrong side. 

Draco couldn't help but wonder if Potter felt anything about going back there as Well. Or maybe he had already been there, to see if it still worked. 

Pansy was the one to break the tense silence. "Draco, this is terrible, but I am sure it will be alright."  
He looked over to Blaise, who was slightly shaking his head continuously. "I didn't know. How did I never know?" 

When Pansy grabbed his arm and dragged him and Blaise up to her dorm room, he just let it happen.  
There was a sad look on Blaise's face and it made Draco feel guilty.  
He hated the feeling, but he had temporarily given up on trying to ban emotions. It had never really worked, even if he hated emotions all together.

He felt like in trance as he sat on a bed in the girl dorm, when they asked questions, he answered in short sentences.  
It felt as if they were tip-toeing around him, careful not to ask too directly. But even if it was Draco that they tried to be careful around, it was Pansy who cried a few tears. 

They separated, giving each of them some time to process what they had just learned and agreed to meet again at 8, to go to the Party. When they mentioned hating ready, Draco was sure he had already seen the spark back in Pansy's eyes. 

Half an hour before he should leave, Draco was still considering if he would go or not. He had been forced to go into his room, to find something to wear. He ended up putting on a slightly lighter grey button up. 

He was pacing back and forth across the room, trying to find reasons to go, but at the same time trying to find a justification for himself to go. 

He started to believe that the levels of emotional stress would almost be the same. Going to his dark place in the castle, or being the only one to stay back alone and drinking a bottle of fire whiskey alone, it would make him sad just as well. ~  



	6. ~6~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,  
> As it turns out it is way harder to write with school and everything being on, so I hope you can forgive me for only updating once this week.  
> I'm really trying my best :)

~  
Once again, he adjusted his sleeves nervously, as well as his collar and took one last deep breath.  
He would open the door and step out, go downstairs and leave with his friends. He had conjured an image of himself doing all those things up in his mind, he had learned that this way he was more likely to actually do things. 

"Just do it. It's not that hard." He spoke quietly and to himself, hoping that the sound of a voice would make him steady and more confident.  
And it did. He fixed the upper button of his shirt once again and reached for the door knob. One more step and he would be outside, with no chance of going back. 

He knew that once he left the room, he would have to go through with going, even if it included socialising with a lot of people that hated him. 

The door swung open and Draco stepped out of the dorm room. It didn't take him ling to rush down the stairs to the common room, where Blaise and Pansy already sat on the sofa, only waiting for him. 

"There you are." If he wasn't mistaken, Pansy sounded relieved.  
They had probably assumed he wasn't going to come.  
"Indeed, here I am. Now are we going to leave or what?" 

He got two smiles and two nodsin response and they got up and climbed out of the portrait, first Pansy, then Draco, and lastly Blaise.  
Draco had mentally started to go over reasons they they bad been invited again, but Pansy interrupted him. 

"I don't know about you guys, but I really appreciate the gesturebthat they invited us." Draco murmured some form of agreement. But she wasn't done.  
"But I'm scared. That they will still hate me."

It was almost like she spoke a harmless version of Draco's thoughts.  
"I know Pansy."  
Blaise, who had been slightly behind them, caught up.  
"Does 'they' by any chance mean a specific someone?"

For his part, the comment took away a little of the tension, but Pansy stiffened next to him.  
"Don't get too exited" Draco and Blaise exchanged mischievous look. It almost felt like the old times. 

"You definitely don't have to worry about your looks, that's not gonna be a problem." And he meant it, she looked good. She had puton some red lipstick and a short skirt. The look suited her well. 

"Was that a try at a compliment?" Even if she tried to play it off, a slight blush appeared on her cheeks.  
"Maybe, I'm not gonna tell as long as I'm sober."  
"Too bad, I would've loved an elaboration on that." Of course, Blaise had to say something about that. 

Draco glared over at him.  
"I'll be happy to elaborate on it, right after you elaborate on what happened to your hair." He smiled confidently, knowing very well what had happened to Blaise's hair, he had charmed it in place in the morning, and it had worn off over the day.  
But it appeared that Blaise himself hadn't noticed until Draco said something. 

"Okay you guys, stop it." Pansy was waving a flask under their noses.  
"We'll all have a little sip and then try to be nice, we don't need them to think we are actually fighting."  
Really, Draco wasn't surprised that he wasn't the only one who wanted to conceal any possible weaknesses, but he was glad that Pansy admit it First.

In the corner of his eye he saw Blaise subtly nod and did the same. For am oblivious Hufflepuff or Gryfindor their playful fights very well might look like am actual argument, he thought. 

They had already taken a set of stairs, only one more was left. The new common room wasn't as far from the room of requirements as the Slytherin rooms had been. From the Slytherin dorms he had had to walk all across the castle to get there. 

In his chest he felt his heart pounding, getting stronger the closer they came to the room.  
When they entered the corridor that led up to the wall where they would find the door, all he could hear was the blood rushing through his body. 

Every heart beat was strong and felt loud. He brushed it off as a trick the fear was playing on him.  
When they got to the right point in the corridor, the three of them stopped.  
They exchanged looks, trying to figure out who would go and try to be T the door up. 

Finally, Blaise took a step forward.  
"Fine, I'll do it. But what should I wish for?"  
Pansy sighed in a mix of annoyance and relief.  
"A party obviously, you moron."  
For a moment, Blaise looked like he was going to fire back, but then decided against it. 

With every step that Blaise took, Draco felt like his spirits were sinking lower and lower, there was no telling what that room contained now. But someone had probably been there already and fixed it, right?

And then, a black, wooden door appeared. It didn't look like it was burning, which was at least a good sign. 

Pansy was the one to step forward and grab the handle, as Draco stood like frozen. Suddenly, it became so real to revisit his last in the room. Maybe he wasn't welcome here anymore. Maybe the room itself would kick him out. 

As a matter of fact, it didn't. A bunch of people were already sitting and standing in the comfortable looking room. It was big enough for a party, but still cozy in a way. There was a nice rug, a sofa, and a table from dark wood in the corner. 

All eyes were already turned when he stepped in after his friends. Either blankly or hateful starring at the small group standing at the door. None of the looks were really welcoming, except one from the side. 

Hermione walked up to them, smiling rather brightly. She waved at Blaise and Draco and gave Pansy a quick hug, which if Draco wasn't mistaken, brought an exceptional blush to both of the girls faces.  
"I'm so glad you guys came. Come in and find a place to sit."

Pansy was holding on to her own arm in front of Draco and he observed a carefully placed fixing of hair on Granger's side.  
"We brought something to drink"  
Pansy's voice almost cracked at the end of her sentence, but she made it. 

Draco grabbed Blaise's shoulder and subtly started to pull him a bit away.  
"Come on Blaise, they don't need us." Draco received a shocked look..  
"But what if I need her?"  
Draco shook his head, his friends really were unbelievable some time. 

"You're a big boy, I expect a little independence. You'll manage to charm some cute boy or girl."  
Blaise smirked and his white teeth seemed to be reflecting the dim light.  
"Challenge accepted, mate" 

People seemed to slowly turn their attention back to whatever they had been doing, only some still whispering while looking over at the newly arrived guests. 

Draco uncomfortably fiddled with the collar of his shirt, with no idea where to put his hands. Tohave a purpose for his hands, he pulled out his slim silver flask and unscrewed it to take a couple of sips. 

Just when he wanted to put it back into his pocket, the door opened and a large group of people entered. Most of them were very familiar to Draco, there were Potter and Weasley, joined by Luna and she-weasel, who were followed by Finnigan, Thomas, Longbottom and a Patill girl. 

It struck him how comfortable all of them looked. Everyone with a smile on their faces, subtly touching one of the others, it was like a functional family. A friendship family. 

Only Potter stood out because of the serious look on his face. It was hard for him to determine wether it was fear or anger in the boys face. 

Whatever it was, it threw Draco off. He had expected Potter to walk around in this room like the bloody hero everyone had made him, especially since he should feel glorious around Draco here, where he saved him.  
Instead, he looked horribly uncomfortable, and Draco started considering of maybe Potter was haunted by memories just as bad as his own connected to this place. 

Something in him made him want to walk over, it was like the muscles in his legs were twitching to go over to where Potter stood. Only his still does mind stopped him from doing such a foolish thing. A whole life of being hated had taught him a number of things that were welcome or not, and he knew this was on the list of actions not welcomed by others. 

Taking the thought further, he realized how he disapproved himself. He did not like Potter, never had. It might have seemed like It, but Potter had always appeared to feel superior to everyone else, even him. So naturally, Draco had started pretending to be superior around him as well. So they really didn't have the kind of relationship to chat over saving one's life at a party, while completely sober. 

He took another sip from the flask, almost shuddering at the strong taste. If he kept drinking like that, it would maybe be an hour until effects started to show. But he was a bit conflicted on that. He did not want to be in any state except clear minded around all these people, getting drunk here was a mistake he really couldn't afford. But it was a party, and he really really wanted to get wasted. 

Draco shrugged to himself and lifted the flask to his mouth again.  
Blaise had left him to go smile at some cute little Hufflepuff girl.  
He scanned the room for Pansy, and saw her holding her own flask up to Grangers lips.  
He decided he would question Pansy about that later, if she didn't run off to snog Granger. 

His attention shifted to Finnigan, now standing on the table.  
"Everyone, gather around!" Finnigan shouted through the room, and everyone stopped what they were doing, and went over. 

Finnigan smiled, seemingly very proud of himself.  
"Welcome, eighth year students, and of course Ginny and Luna, our minors."  
He received two playful but deadly looks from the girls.  
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the fact that we are going adults, and we should definitely take advantage of that. So, we've got a lot of drinks that we will use to play some drinking games with you." 

Draco almost hit his head against a wall. Drinking games, bloody hell, he thought. He definitely was hoping that participation was not mandatory.  
But he turned his attention back to Finnigan, who continued to speak.  
"And when I say drinking games, I mean that we're all playing, or it's no fun."

Draco sighed. Drinking games had never really been his favourite because most of them were based around honesty or physical contact. Not really his favourites when it came to people that weren't his best friends.  
"Let's play never have I ever"  
Someone in the crowd said, Draco wasn't able to make out who it was. 

So they all spread out and gathered again, sitting in a big circle on the carpet. Draco ended up in between Pansy and Luna, both were smiling happily exited.  
On Lunas other side sat the Weasley girl, while Granger was all the way across the circle from Pansy. 

"I wanna start" Lavender Brown squeaked. Someone had conjured up a shot glass for everybody, that was automatically refilling from a giant bottle of fire Whiskey that stood on the table. 

No one disagreed and the chattering died down a bit. Draco's eyes were twitching nervously and his hands were sweaty. All he could do was hope for not too personal questions.  
"Never have I ever been in this room before."

Most of the people sitting with them drank, Draco observed as he downed his shot. But it wasn't really a surprise, a lot of students had been in the DA in fifth year and they had used this room for training. 

"My turn" the Patill girl next to Brown said, he couldn't quite tell them apart, so he didn't know which one it was.  
"Never have I ever gotten drunk on school grounds."  
A couple of glasses were being raised, one of them was Draco's. 

The next turn was Goldstein, since he was sitting next to Patill.  
"Never have I ever hooked up with someone in a school bathroom". He finished and quickly drank his own shot, receiving a couple of laughs. 

Draco curiously watched as people took their drinks. Pansy took her shot, but he had known that. He didn't even need to look at Blaise to know he drank as well.  
To his surprise, both Weasleys in the room raised their glasses. Thomas and Finnigan also drank, exchanging a quick look that Draco found quite amusing. 

Maybe it wouldn't be too bad, maybe he could allow himself to actually have a little fun.  
Draco knew very well that that was probably the alcohol he had already drank speaking from him, but he also knew that in a couple of shots that awareness would fade. All his sorrows and the throbbing anxiety that made him so quiet would fade. 

Sitting next to Goldstein was a Gryffindor boy he didn't know who's turn it was now.  
"Alright. Never have I ever dated someone attending Hogwarts." 

Almost everyone picked up their glasses to drink. Draco looked around to see that only few weren't drinking, Potter was one of them.  
Draco took a hesitant drink, not sure if the short period in which him and Pansy had tried to date counted. It had only been two months after All, since they quickly realized they were more interested in their own gender anyways.  
Except, Pansy told Draco that. He hadn't told Pansy about his own sexuality until that day, even if she probably had her suspicions. 

Some girl that was next cleared her voice.  
"Never have I ever cost my house any house points."  
There were a few chatters and Draco her w couple of people complain. Except some of the Rawenclaws and that one Gryffindor, everyone took a drink. 

Draco realized, that it was coming close to his turn, only three more people and he would have to ask a question. That was if no one decided to skip him, which would have been very welcomed on his side. 

There was nothing he could think of that he would want to know of these people. He could probably make everybody drink by asking who hated him, but he wouldn't purposely build up his anxiety like that.

The next question was "Never have I ever hexed someone in this room, but not for class". A couple of people drank, and Draco was one of them. And he felt everyone's eyes on him as he did. 

She-weasel had her turn, and she asked  
"Never have I ever been the only good looking sibling."  
Everyone was laughing as she drank, while her brother did the same.

Only one more person before Draco would have to say something audible for all these people. Luna looked dreamy and it took Girl-weasley kissing her cheek to bring her into the present.  
"Luna, it's your turn" he heard her whisper. 

Luna looked around, smiling happily.  
"Never have I ever told anyone what Amorentia smells like to me." It was an odd question, and a couple of students looked confused, but some took a drink.  
Draco watched with a smirk as Granger downed her whiskey.

The smirk quickly faded as he remembered that it was his turn now. He cleared his voice, a lot of eyes were watching him.  
"Uh, never have I ever snuck out after curfew" he had thought of that question a bit earlier, hoping it was neutral enough. 

Many people were taking shots, including himself. And so the game went on, with most students asking simple questions, things a 15 year old could have asked just as well.  
But, could he really judge them? A war has taken that silly phase from them, forcing them to grow up faster, it was more than right for these young adults to be a little childish. 

The game only drew his attention back when Thomas asked  
"Never have I ever had a thing for someone of the same gender"  
Draco gulped. If he was going to be honest, he should take a shot, but this really was no one's business and still a sensitive topic to him.

He decided to let his glass stay on the floor, watching surprisingly many people take a shot, including Granger and Pansy. He saw them exchange a quick look and it almost brought back his smile. 

It was not Weasleys turn, and he apparently really wanted to get off the vague grounds.  
"Never have I ever been in love with someone who's here"  
There were some drunk giggles and a collective hesitation to be honest about thus one.  
The only ones to take their shots were Luna and her girlfriend, and to his surprise, Pansy. Weasley drank on his own question as well. 

Potter was next, Draco watched him carefully as he glanced at all the people sitting on the floor, some barley able to sit straight anymore. Potters eyes stayed on him as he asked :  
"Never have I ever cheated during this game." 

For a moment Draco considered, then he remembered the question he had lied on.  
Without much thinking he raised his glass and drank, simultaneously with Potter. 

"Oh I see, you two are cheaters" Pansy had a smile dancing around her lips that e knew well enough to be concerned.  
"Why don't we change the game up a bit?" 

A general murmuring spread through the room, but most of the students looked quite interested.  
"Lets hear your idea" Finnigan said smiling very honestly at Pansy.  
"Let's play truth or truth, but in pairs. Two people sit in the middle and have to answer questions. If they don't answer truthfully, they have to drink. And to make it a bit more interesting, we can charm the glasses. If one doesn't tell the truth their glass will levitate up and glow red." 

Her speech was followed by general agreement and some even seemed exited. But Pansy had something to add.  
"Since they just admired to cheating previously, why don't we start with Malfoy and Potter?" 

Draco almost dropped the glass he had been holding. What exactly was she thinking? That was the worst idea ever. Potter and him were sworn enemies and most of the witches and wizards present hated him, he had no desire whatsoever to share intimate secrets with them. 

Neither was he interested in knowing any more details about Potter. Well, not that much anyways. The worst part was the truth charm on the glasses, so he couldn't even lie without everybody knowing?

Bloody Pansy, he thought. Mentally, he made a note to confront her about this later.  
Really, he had a useless best friend.  
But he wants able to think about the matter further as he was shoved into the middle of a new circle, and very close to Potter. 

"Sit back to back boys."  
Draco shook his head, and was please to see that Potter had the same reaction.  
"Oh come on, just do it. It will not kill you." Finnigan sounded rather enthusiastic about putting the two of them so close together. 

Potter ha a suffering look in his face when they both turned around to sit back to back. It perfectly expressed how Draco felt on the inside.  
Just that there was this tiny part of Draco that was exited about this. 

He tried to conceal it with his old habit of adjusting his sleeve, to make sure it was covering his whole arm.  
"Come on, closer."  
Draco was sitting up straight, trying to move backwards by the least possible amount, but it was too late. 

He felt something against his back, warm and human. He was leaning on to Potter


	7. ~7~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *  
> Hey,  
> This is a super short chapter, sadly it's all I was able to do this week.   
> I'm sorry and I'll do my very best to have a longer one up next week!!   
> *   
> Now, enjoy!!! Leave me some feedback if you'd like!

"There you go, now let's start"   
Draco gulped. Everyone had gathered around them, leaving them trapped in a closed circle of people.  
In front of him, his glass with fire whiskey was hovering, waiting to expose him. 

Potters back felt stiff against his, he probably was drunk enough to lean against him, but not drunk enough that it wouldn't make him horribly uncomfortable. And Draco really felt that. 

"What the fuck have they gotten us into" he heard Potter whisper from behind him and couldn't help but smile.   
"Trust me, if I knew it wouldn't be happening" 

He assumed that the other boy was smiling now as well.   
"Who wants to ask the first question?"   
Finnigans voice was loud to sound over everyone else, Draco guessed he had used a Sonorus.   
"I'll go." 

Draco was lucky that the person speaking stood in the half of the crowd that he could see, because he would not have been able to identify the voice.   
It was Weasley. The boy one. 

"All questions should be answered by both, by drinking or not drinking." Pansy threw in, and agreeing nods went around.   
He watched closely as Weasley penetrated him with his gaze and finally opened his mouth to ask. 

"Has one of you ever tried to kill the other?"   
Draco considered for a moment, he was not sure if he should take his shot. The only time he remembered that they actually came close was in the bathroom in sixth year, but he had really only pointed his wand.   
Potter had come a lot closer to success on that day. 

He decided to leave his shot down, having come to the very honest conclusion that he had never actually intended to kill Potter. Neither had he really tried. 

A round of gasps went around the gathered group of people and he felt a slight motion against his back. If he wasn't mistaken, Potter had taken his shot. It confused Draco, what was Potter thinking? Had there been any attempt at murdering him that he didn't know of? 

"Potter, what?!" He whispered aggressively. Potters back drew away a little from him.   
"The sectumsepra in sixth year, I mean I didn't know what it would do but I almost killed you" 

Draco exhaled. He was surprised to feel a little bit of something that seemed to be relief.   
"Congratulations, that was not the question. Except, of course, you intended to kill me there" 

His whispers had grown louder, he was hoping that everyone was too busy being shocked at who had drank to hear them.   
"I did not, but It's too late now." Potter sounded a bit snappy, but he was aware that it was only because he had just embarrassed himself. 

Draco chuckled as he recognized the irony of this. It was probably the effects of the alcohol, but he understood how ironic this was, and how much it had probably confused the watching students.   
To them, he was the bad guy sitting here and Potter the good guy, but their answer to this question definitely threw those images off a bit.   
It wouldn't have, of course, if the glasses had a charm for false drinking, but they didn't. 

"Okay guys, someone go next"   
Someone cleared his voice, probably preparing to ask, but Draco couldn't make out who it was.   
"Whoever hates the other more has to drink!"

It irritated Draco, that wasn't exactly a question.   
Neither of them moved. He would've felt felt any movement that Potter made by a muscle in his back moving. But there was nothing.  

He was sure he hated Potter, somehow. At least a bit. But not nearly as much as he usually pretended. But did Potter hate him?  
Draco had no clue. Would he offend him if he took the drink? He felt like that was what was expected by everyone. So why not fill in the expectations? 

He grabbed the glass levitating in front of him and drank. It was the easiest way out before anyone questioned if they really hated each other.  

Seconds after, he felt Potter leaning away slightly so that their backs lost any touch.   
He was about to be snappy about it, but the crowd quieted down, waiting for someone to ask the next question. 

Someone asked "have you ever kissed someone?" both boys took a drink and the game proceeded with McMillan asking which of them was the better seeker. 

The sentence hadn't even been finished when Draco reached for his glass and downed the shot. He could only guess that Potter had done the same, it simply was a thing of pride.  

Laughter filled the room as everyone was amused by their fast reactions.   
"It can't be both of you!" Someone yelled in, and even Draco had to smile. No, not both of them, it was definitely him. He was convinced, for the most part. 

"Have you ever been to another house's common room" Longbottom shouted over all the noise.   
He considered, he had been to one of the other common rooms, but was he going to admit that now?

He leaned back a bit, closing the distance betweem his and Potter's back, he really wanted to know if Potter would drink to this. And Potter did.   
A moment later, Draco remembered that his glass would reveal if he falsely skipped the yes and drank. 

"EXCUSE ME?" Two of the bystanders yelled in perfect sync. He made out one of them to be Pansy, while the other was Longbottom. Longbottom had his eyes fixed on Potter, while Pansy was glaring at him.   
"Draco Malfoy, you will need to tell me something later." 

He laughed, but couldn't help but being curious about where Potter had snuck in. It wouldn't hurt to ask, he thought.   
"Potter, where?" He heard a light chuckle coming from behind him.   
"There's actually just one common room I haven't been in." 

Of course, Draco shook his head. The golden boy had probably just been allowed to walk in there.   
"And which one would that be?"   
"Hufflepuff" 

Draco's mind suddenly came awake, that meant that Potter had been in Slytherin.   
"Excuse me, you've been in the Slytherin rooms?"   
A surprisingly warm laugh filled Draco's ears. 

"Yes,I have. You were there."   
A surprised sound left Draco's mouth.   
"I positively would remember that, thank you very much."   
"I said you were there, I didn't say you were aware that I was."   
All the wheels in Draco's head were turning. What was Potter talking about? 

"I mean, I always knew you were oddly obsessed with me but bloody hell Potter!"   
He felt blood rushing up to his head, the fact that he had said that out loud was the alcohol speaking through him. 

"Oh don't think too much of it, it wasn't like that!"  
"Yes, sure. Very believable."   
An elbow smashed into Draco's ribs.   
"Oh!" He exclaimed. "No need to get defensive, Potter " 

A voice from the circle around them interrupted the playful fight.   
"Who's got the better looks?"   
Draco hesitated to drink. His pale skin and grey eyes weren't bad, and certainly some would say attractive. But in all honesty, and as much as the thought scared and disgusted him, he preferred the look of Potter's tan and his dark hair. Even if he never did anything to it. 

"Come on Malfoy, just drink" he heard a whisper. It was close, and it came from Potter.   
"What?" He must've misheard him, he thought.   
"You heard me, you always look so bloody posh, with you button ups and hair all done. It's a decent look." 

To say that he felt puzzled would've been more of an understatement.   
Due to the alcohol, he probably expressed that feeling on his face as well.   
In a sudden wave of confidence, he took his drink, only wondering too late where that burst of confidence had come from.   
"Almost tempted to thank you, Potter"   
He whispered, hoping it would be loud enough for Potter to hear. 

A couple of "ooh"s came from the students watching, and Draco could've sworn that he heard someone say "self-adsorbed prat".   
Suddenly, his heart was beating fast and he felt silly.   
If this answer already made him uncomfortable, he could only hope for the best, that the questions wouldn't get any more personal. 

He knew well that his hopes would likely be disappointed. The next question was confirmation of that.   
"Have you ever had a girlfriend?"   
Neither of them moved to their glasses. Draco felt Potters back steady against his own. 

Neither of their glasses started to glow, so the game quickly went on.   
"Have you ever kissed a boy?" Ginny Weasley asked, with a smirk to Harry.   
Bloody hell, it shot through Draco's head.   
He couldn't possibly answer this. He had not come out to anyone really. This was definitely not how he wanted it, especially not in front of his whole grade. 

He felt very dizzy suddenly, he was completely shaking and terror spread through every single cell of his body.   
He felt the movement of Potter's arm reaching out to drink. 

On top of everything, before he could find any way out, or make sense of anything, the glass in front of him began to glow red. The red light grew brighter and the glass levitated up.   
He gulped and grabbed it.   
A general stunned murmuring had spread around the group and some were pointing, at him as well as at Potter. 

Draco closed his eyes and raised his arm to bring the glass to his lips. He didn't want to look at anyone, and so he drank, with his eyes closed.


	8. ~8~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow,  
> It's been a month since I started publishing this story on here. Honestly, it's a lot of fun for me and I hope you enjoy reading it just as much as I enjoy writing it!  
> :)

***

"It's okay, relax" Draco's eyes shot open and he almost turned around if he didn't remember the the in time,no looking at the other.  
"I don't know what you're e talking about." 

The pressure against his back grew and he figured that Potter had leaned back.  
"You sat up straight and have been stiff ever since. Plus, you're shaking."  
Ugh, Draco waited for the annoyance to set in that usually came with Potter trying to save the day but it just didn't. 

"Well, that's private. "  
He slowly felt his muscles relaxing a bit, leaning into the warmth coming from Potter wherever their shirts were touching.  
"Sensitive topic?" 

"I don't need your heroic take at a therapy session, alright?"  
"Sure you don't, but it wouldn't be bad if you did..." there was an awkward pause. "...And this has nothing to do with me being heroic!"

Draco felt hot, sweating from anxiety and embarrassed. He felt vulnerable and exposed and Potter was trying to help. Why he hell wasn't he able to take the help? 

"Apparently you aren't any better than me in this matter."  
"Who said anything about better? It's not a bad thing in the first place."  
Draco opened his mouth, to say something, but closed it again.  
He was stunned, it was the first time someone had said something like that to him.

He wasn't used to thinking about it that way. _Not a bad thing_ , the words repeated in his head, over and over. Potter wasn't ashamed of it, and he was telling him not to be either.  
It was a completely new option. 

The worst part was, that Potter was the one who really gave him the idea. What if it really wasn't that bad that he felt attraction towards his own gender? 

He tried to banish the thought the second it entered his mind. But it just seemed to want to stick. Surely, it was the alcohol, he figured.  
"You already saved us all, you don't need to save me now." His voice was quiet, and he just hoped that Potter hadn't heard him over the noise that everybody else was making. 

There never came a response from Potter, so Draco figured that he really hadn't been heard.  
But maybe it had been the lack of time, because everyone seemed to have adjusted to the news and they were getting impatient to proceed. 

"Are you into boys?" It was Pansy who asked. The stood in the half of the crowd that Draco could see. In the short moment that he saw her face, he knew that she had saved her question. This circumstance she had declared worthy of using her precious question on. 

The procedure of the last question repeated, as Draco didn't drink again. He only did as his glass started to glow red and almost flew right into his face. 

The whiskey running down his throat burnt less than usually. Everything felt numb.  
Everyone knew. Draco was cautiously eyeing all the students watching. All the ones he could see.  
One of his most well kept secrets as now public information. And by the way people were looking at him he could tell that this answer came unexpected. 

At least to some. Even if all his senses were occupied with the heavy feeling of shame, he managed to look at Pansy. She barley looked surprised, and neither did Granger. He didn't quite know why he looked at her in that moment, but he did. 

Suddenly, all eyes that bad been fixed on him shifted. They were now looking right behind him, at Potter.  
He had taken his drink as well. 

"Game changer" he heard Blaise shout over everybody. There was a generally stunned atmosphere in the room, as everyone was talking about the newly learned facts. 

Draco wished for the vanishing cabinet to be back, so he could escape the situation. He felt dizzy and his heart beat heavily.  
Being exposed like this was new to him, the feeling of vulnerability that he knew so well was overwhelming. 

He was about to shut off completely, ignore everyone and turn snappy, when a soft voice sounded over the general talking atmosphere.  
"I'm so happy you both finally said it."

Everyone turned to look at Luna's bunch of blonde hair and her dreamy smile.  
"Oh, are you really all surprised?"  
She got a lot of rather confused looks.  
"I've seen the Nargles all around them, they gave it away a long time ago."

There were a few giggles, and Draco couldn't help but smile. Not the mocking smile he used to have when Luna said something, but a generous and well-meaning smile.  
Of course she had known, what else could it have been. 

Moments before, he didn't imagine ever smiling again, yet there he was. He was probably acting on the fire whiskey, he figured.  
The group already seemed to have forgotten about what they just learned. 

Maybe, it could be worse, he thought for a moment, before remembering the whole situation. It was a disaster, but at least now his friends knew. It was the only good thing he was able to find about it. 

They wouldn't have to have to talk about it any further, as now they already knew.  
He was aware how foolish that was, Pansy would question him later. It was a given. 

And after all, Potter was in it with him. Knowing that made Draco at least feel slightly better.  
The savior of the wizarding world was gay. Or bi, he quickly added to his train of thought. That might as well be It, for all he knew. 

"I've got a good question" a boy who Draco remembered was called Goldstein squeaked.  
"Have you ever felt attraction towards the other?"  
Before he realized It, Draco asked something back.  
"What kind of attraction?" 

"Sexual!" Finnigan said loudly and with a smirk.  
Draco felt like he could cry. He could only assume that his pale skin had went flaming red.  
"And here I was, thinking this couldn't get any worse." He muttered under his breath. 

It appeared that he had not fully thought that through either, because the boy sitting back to back with him must've heard him.  
"As if you're the one to speak!" He felt Potter's back vibrating as he spoke. 

Then, there was a humming sound, the one his glass had made earlier when it glowed red.  
He felt the muscles in Potter's back moving as he raised his hand up to drink. 

He was tempted to make a remake to Potter about It, but he was too aware of the truth.  
Quickly, Draco took his drink as well to avoid the further embarrassment of being exposed by the enchanted glass, again. 

This stupid game could've just ended before it got any more horrible he thought.  
"Malfoy, what the fuck?"  
The whispering voice behind him irritated him.  
"What do you want, Potter?"  
"Did you just drink to that?" 

Draco felt like he would pass out any moment. He was not ready to have this conversation, not with anyone, but especially not Potter.  
"Last time I checked, so did you"  
He snapped back.  
"Damn it, can't you answer one question nicely?" 

No one was paying attention to them anymore because a debate had broken out about wether to question them further or make a new pair of two suffer.  
So he figured he could say whatever. 

"Oh come on, everybody's nice to you and celebrates you as the saviour. You're not so desperate that you need me doing that too, are you?"  
"That is not the point!" 

He exhaled in frustration. It didn't feel like the time to sort out all of his general problems with Potter.  
Too drunk for that, was all the could puzzle together in his head.   
Instead, he ha a different idea. He had  had a burning question all night long. 

"Potter, were you scared?"  
The pressure against his back grew, Potter must have leaned back.   
"Last time you asked me if I was scared, I told you in your dreams. Answer hasn't changed since then." 

Now which one of them was the bitter one, Draco thought slightly amused.  
"I meant coming here. Have you been in here since..."  
He didn't finish the sentence, he was sure that Potter already knew what he meant. 

"Let's go for a walk." Before he was able to say anything, the warmth that Potters back had radiated left him as he got up. Only then he realized that he had enjoyed the warm feeling of another human body against his. It was odd, that barley happened.  
He didn't especially like physical contact besides Pansy or Blaise hugging him. Maybe his mother, as well. 

It hadn't always been like that, he remembered. It had come with the rise of the dark Lord, ever since he had distanced himself from most people.  
Re paranoia he developed during the war played into that, and his dislike of physical contact developed.  
Maybe he enjoyed it while making out, or even more, but he wasn't a person to cuddle. 

So why the hell did he enjoy being leaned against Potter? He couldn't quite blame the Whiskey for everything, right?  
"Who's next?" Potters voice was easily louder than all the drunk eighth years talking over each other. 

"What, are you tapping out?" Finnigan was obviously trying to tease, but Potter had always been oblivious to such things.  
"I've had enough to drink." He chuckled in a way that Draco had never heard before. 

He had gotten up as well and stepped through the crowd and to the back of it. He avoided Pansy's searching eyes all along, they would talk about it later, he decided.  
"Are you coming?" He had been to attentive to not look at anyone, that he had missed Potter walking over to him. He jumped at the sound of a voice so close to his ear. 

"Go to hell" with That, he turned on the spot and strodeover to the door.  
Giving Potter the satisfaction of doing what he asked and also agreeing with him would have been too much.  
So Draco took the middle path, he'd go for a bloody walk through the castle with Potter, but Potter needed to figure that out on his own. 

It appeared that Potter wasn't as oblivious as he'd expected him to be, as he caught up the moment that Draco opened the door. They tried to be fast and not attract too much attention, before anyone would wonder what they were doing. 

The door closed on them, and the hallway was immediately silent. Within seconds, the silent became awkward. Potter was standing in the middle of the hall, looking in Draco's general direction, his eyes flickering back and forth. Draco was stood leaning against the wall, right next to where the door had just disappeared.  
He was starring down at his shoes, and like a reflex, pulling down his long sleevesonce again. 

The silence was broken, as the other boy cleared his voice. Draco felt his heart beats picking up speed at the relief. For a moment, his eyes flickered up, but within seconds he remembered who he was standing across from and turned his attention back to his shoes.

"You know, the answer is no. I haven't been here since the battle, I have stood in front of the wall, but I was always too scared to conjure up the door. After all, I was scared of coming here, even tonight. I'm just not exactly sure what scared me. " he paused, before he went on.  
"Now go ahead and comment on me being scared, I'm sure you've been waiting for this satisfaction since the second we met." 

Draco'smouth felt oddly dry and his head was lacking a good response. His fingers were nervously tapping against his pants, so he decided to go with the easiest option he had, just say whatever came to his mind. Nothing good could come of that, but he decided it was worth the risk. 

"Not quite as satisfying as I had imagined it to be, too bad. " he sighed  
"But in all honesty, I was scared like hell. I almost didn't come, because I was afraid, and because I was looking to avoid the situation we have now."  
Draco was preparing to swallow his pride, only to a second, given the situation he suspected they would bring up the fact that he owed his life to Potter. 

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"  
Draco took a deep breath. It seemed tempting to him to stretch it out even longer, maybe not even say anything at all, but he'd missed that option, he needed to go through.  
He picked over his bottom lip once more, and just let his intention take over. 

"Look Potter, thank you, okay?"  
Potter made a sound that almost seemed like chuckling.  
"I didn't think I'd ever say that, and I am disgusted I just did, but now I feel relieved. Maybe that was all I owed you after all." 

He paused, to see if he'd come up with anything clever to add. The silence was only filled by Potters foot scraping over the floor.  
"You're welcome. You didn't owe me anything in the first place."  
He tried to suppress the mix of emotions that was threatening to take over his actions. 

"Yeah, not like you saved my life or something. It's pretty horrible to feel like I'm in your debt."  
Draco looked up from the floor for the first time. 

If he wasn't mistaken, Potter was standing closer that the last time he checked. But it was probably just his imagination.  
"No one ever said you were in my debt. As far as I can tell, that concept makes us both uncomfortable."  
He rolled his eyes.  
"No shit, I didn't notice." 

Potter sighed in what Draco guessed to be annoyance.  
"Could you drop the sarcasm?"  
It was Draco's turn to sigh.  
"Eh, don't see the point. I've always been horrible to you, and you already hate me. It wouldnt change anything if i suddenly started being nice" 

It was his luck that he'd played out conversations like this in his head before. It gave him a couple of options on what to say. He'd thought about his relationships with a lot of people, and Potter was one of those.  
"Maybe. If that's how you think about it." 

Draco furrowed his brows. There were a lot of things that he was prepared for, but the tone that Potter had spoken in confused him.  
It was a mix of frustration and resentment that he read into Potters voice and face.  
There was something else in there as well, that Draco couldn't quite put his finger on. 

"Whatever it is spit it out Potter?"  
He wasn't sure wether he asked because he was actually curious, or just because it seemed appropriate.  
"Nevermind. Not like you would care." 

"What do you want? Can't you just hex me instead of being confusingly passive aggressive?"  
It was like a defense mechanism that he had developed, that when someone confused him it just pissed him off. He had learned that anger was a more desirable thing to feel than confusion. 

Judging by the way that Potter was starring at him, Draco assumed he was actually going to do that, hex him.  
"Malfoy, no, we're not doing that again."

"Considering how drunk you seem, you might have a point."  
Potter scoffed.  
"It's not that I couldn't, but I currently have no desire to. Even tho you're tempting me."  
Why wasn't he just doing It? Draco was just waiting for Potter's impulse to take over. They would be just ended it. 

"Then why don't you just do it?"  
The silence seemed tense, Draco waiting with anticipation for a reasonable explanation from Potter. But Potter was shifting uncomfortably, it looked like he was torn between saying something or not. 

The sudden movement towards Draco made it seem like he had decided to go with it.  
"Because the actual reason why I wanted to talk to was to apologize."  
Draco's head snapped up and he looked right at Potter. 

"For what exactly? Letting me live?"  
Potter shook his head.  
"I'm sorry I couldn't save him too, that's what I wanted to say."  
The statement didn't make sense to Draco. He puzzled it together in his head again and again, until he had figured out a response.  
"It wasn't your fault. He risked his own life by conjuring up those cursed flames." 

Potter nodded.  
"And there was another thing. I just wanted to say that I hope you're not too uncomfortable with what just happened during the game."  
Draco was clenching his hands into fists.  
"Don't worry, not your fault either." 

It was hard for him to focus. In the minutes before, Potter had moved close enough that there was only the distance of one step between them. Usually, a comfortable distance in a conversation, but not typical for them. 

When he looked straight at Potter again, he saw that he was watching him.  
"What is it?"  
If Potter were to give him another noble apology Draco decided that he would be fed up. 

"Nothing. Doesn't matter."  
Potter broke their eye contact and looked at the floor in between them.  
In a sudden impulse, Draco pushed away from the wall to take a step towards Potter.  
He has not trusted himself to be able to coordinate his legs before, but in that second, he'd suddenly been convinced that he could stand without the wall. 

That step minimizes the distance between them to only a couple of centimeters.  
Potter yanked his head up and their eyes met again. For a tense moment, they stood like that, until Draco could feel the heat that Potters body was radiation staring to warm him.

To his own surprise, he managed to move even a bit closer, they were almost touching now. He could smell Potters breath, that smelled like fire whiskey.  
After just a couple more seconds of standing like that, Draco's hand shot up into Potters hair and he drew his face in, until their lips were touching. 

Draco's lips were wrapped around Potter's, and Potter quickly responded to the contact. He wrapped his arm around Draco to hold him even closer as they stumbled back to the wall that Dracohad been leaned against. Only this time it was Potters back that was pressed against it. 

They were both breathing quickly, and Draco was roughly running his hand through Potter's hair while he pressed him back against the wall.  
The kiss was rough and not very hesitant.  
Potter had placed a hand on the back of Draco's neck, as if to hold him There, and Draco was sucking on Potter's lower lip. 

Their legs were brushing together. Draco enjoyed the feeling of Potter's hot breath against his lips and cheeks, as well as how easily Potter opened up his lips. 

It lasted at least two minutes before Draco's heart skipped a beat. He stumbled back in a sudden wave of panic. _What am I doing_ , it shot through his head as he started to grasp what just happened. 

His eyes were wide open in shock. Their conversation had been surprisingly rational for their drunken state, he thought. Nothing good could come of an interaction between him and Potter while they were drunk, and Draco could have known that.  
That was the terrible consequence he got from it, Draco thought, and wasn't sure if he'd said it out loud as well.

He kept stumbling backwards for a couple of steps, then everything became blurry.  
Seconds later, blurry turned into black as Draco hit the floor and was out. The last thing he heard was Potter, saying "fuck!".


	9. ~9~

***

Through his closed lids Draco noticed a dim light. He was hesitant to open his eyes. As if he wasn't sure if there was gonna be something he didn't want to see.  
Or if he was really awake.  

His body felt drained. Everything felt rather normal, except for a dull pain in his right shoulder. He attempted to move the fingers in his left hand, just to check if his body still obeyed his commands, and it worked.  
He tried to raise his shoulder up and felt a sharp pain, he must've fallen on that side. 

"Is he awake?"  
"Not yet, try again later."  
"Okay. If he wakes up, tell me." 

The voices still sounded like they were very far away. It pulled him out of his only half aware state, and now he wanted to wake up.  
His eyelids felt heavy, but he finally blinked and opened his eyes.  
The light was dimmed, so it didn't blend him.

"Draco?" The low voice was followed by Pansy's face leaning over him.  
He blinked a couple more times.  
"Oh I am so glad you woke up. How are you feeling?"  
She made an effort to speak quietly, but her voice still was too loud in his ears.  
He wasn't convinced that his voice would work, but he gave it a try. 

"Terrible" he finally spit out. He felt tempted to laugh at that, but that would have cost too much energy.  
"I am not surprised. What happened?"  
That was a good question, but Draco barley had an answer to it himself. 

The memory hit him, and it was like he'd just ran into a wall of cold water. Suddenly, Draco was wide awake, but all he wanted was to fall asleep again.  
He remembered the circumstance under which he had passed out.  
He wished to be able to just go back into the unconscious state. 

How long had he been out, he wondered.  
"How long have I been out?"  
Pansy above him shrugged.  
"Maybe an hour? Not too long, it's okay. "  
He took a proper look around the room for the first time. Draco was pretty sure he was laying in his own bed, only one curtain was open, but he saw Weasley's clothes laying across the room. 

"Here, drink this." Pansy handed him a glass. Less than a third of the glass was filled with a light pink liquid.  
"What's that?"  
She smiled down at him, while directing his hand with the glass towards his mouth. 

"It's a potion that will sober you up. We've had some already. Drink."  
He followed her order and drank the surprisingly not too disgusting potion, without asking all the questions that were going through his head.  
At least, he thought, he hadn't been out too long, and not a whole crowd was watching him. 

He sat up and leaned against the head of his bed. While he moved, his shoulder hurt a bit, but when he finally sat straight up, he almost didn't feel anything anymore.  
He reached in his pocket for his wand,  he wanted to just fly the empty glass back over to his bedside table, when he suddenly got an idea. 

He groaned. Draco felt stupid for not realizing it sooner. The thought occurred to him that, had he thought about it, he would have easily been able to prevent it.  
"Pansy?" He asked into the room, and she reappeared at the side of his bed right away. 

"Is my wand over there?"  
He pointed next to his bed, he hadn't felt it in his pocket before. He just wanted the security to know it was there.  
"Are you sure you're in the condition to use it right now?"  
Usually, that would have pissed Draco off, but Pansy sounded honestly concerned. And she had every right to be. 

"No. That's exactly the point."  
"Huh?" Even tho she seemed sceptical,  she picked up his wand and handed it to him.  
Already closing his fingers around the wand to hold it seemed to be drain in his energy. He closed his eyes and waved the wand while quietly muttering the words to undo the protection spells that he had put up. 

He immediately felt relieved. Like a pressure that had been on him was just gone.  
"Could you now be bothered to tell me what you just did and how this even happened?"  
Pansy sounded uneasy, and he knew better than to mess with her now. 

"Sure, sit down, I'm pretty sure I know what happened." 

+

"Okay, so let me get this straight.  
You put not just one, but three spells on yourself, kept them up for a long time, and then got wasted without taking them down?"  
She was on the edge of telling at him and trying to stay calm and sassy. 

"That's kind of it, yeah. I know it wasn't very well thought-o..."  
Before he even finished his last word, she shrieked.  
"Not well thought-out? That's what you'd call that? You put yourself at a very high risk. What were you even thinking? Draco Lucious Malfoy, I can't believe you would be so careless!" 

Draco closed his eyes. He really didn't have the energy to have his fight with her.  
"I know, Pansy. It was risky and I should've paid more attention. I'll be more careful, Okay?"  
She pouted her lips, then she smiled and leaned over to hug him. 

"Alright. But don't let me catch you putting yourself in danger again."  
As much as Draco wanted to be mad at her for lecturing him, he couldn't help but smile. Besides, she was right.  
But we wasn't going to tell her that.

"My turn for questions. Who else was here earlier? I heard you talking to someone."  
She looked down in her lap and Draco knew that he wasn't going to like the answer.  
"Potter. He found you and got me." 

"He got you?"  
"Yes, he came in, said you were unconscious outside, and then we brought you here."  
At least that, he thought. He was glad that they took him somewhere private.  
"I thought you wouldn't want anyone else to see you, so I told him to help me get you here." 

It was just great, the person he wanted to see least, Harry Potter, would probably be the next one he'd see.  
"Where is he now?"  
She shrugged.  
"Probably down in the common room, but he's been coming back to check if you woke up like every ten minutes."  
Draco considered the possibility of pretending to be still unconscious to avoid a conversation with Potter. 

"So he'll be back soon?"  
He must've not sounded too happy, because Pansy looked concerned.  
"Don't worry, he's not gonna kill you. If he wanted to harm you he could've done that when he found you passed out alone in a hallway."  
There was an emphasis on "found " And Draco was sure that she was going to question him about that as well. 

"You're probably right."  
She was smirking, and he knew his prediction was about to come true.  
"Why were you out There anyways?"  
He chewed his lower lip, as he didn't have an answer to that.  
Physically, he knew what he had been doing out there, but he had no idea what he had been thinking.  
Maybe because Potter had answered yes to being sexually attracted to him earlier?  

It had been a dumb impulse that he had followed, and Draco regretted it. Sharing a room with Potter had become even more awkward.  
"It was too loud inside." She narrowed her eyes and pointed a finger at him.  
"You, Draco Malfoy, are lying to me. I've let you get away with some lies this year already, but now I want to hear the truth. Maybe staring with why you never told me that you like boys?" 

He closed his eyes, he didn't want to see her curious expression. What if she hated him because of how he was?  
"Because I'm not exactly proud of it. Do we need to talk about it now?"  
A sharp pain went through his arm as she punched his shoulder.  
"Yes we do, because I need you to tell me if you were out there snogging Potter, or some other guy." 

He sighed, he didn't feel like telling the truth, but Pansy knew him well enough that she'd know if he was lying.  
The only was he saw out was to ask a question back.  
"I'll only tell if you admit that you were flirting with Granger." 

"I was not flirting with Hermione!" She jumped at her defense, and Draco chuckled warmly.  
"You just called her by her first name, you gave it away!!" At that point, he was really laughing. 

"Oh shut up!" Pansy had her arms crossed in front of her chest and was frowning, but Draco could tell she was hiding a smile.  
"For that comment, you are obligated to tell me Who you were snogging now."  
Before the situation could end with him actually having to answer her questions, there were footsteps outside the door and then the sound of the door opening. 

For the first time in his life Draco felt relieved about Potter entering a room.  
"Oh, you woke up." Potter said as soon as he saw Pansy and Draco sitting on the bed.  
"I hadn't noticed" Pansy snapped back at him, while Draco quickly looked down.  

Potter ignored her, while Draco was trying to ignore Potter.  
"How are you?" Draco was focused on his breaths and watching how his left thumb was twitching.  
"Alright." He finally pressed out between his teeth.  
He heard a sigh of relief from the side of the bed on which Potter was standing. 

Since Draco didn't dare to look at Potter, he slowly turned his head slightly to the side to at least see Pansy. He saw that she was looking back and forth between him and Potter, likely trying to figure out the subtext she was missing. 

"I'm glad. I was worried when...I saw you laying there." Draco tensed up when Potter stopped after saying "when" , almost expecting for him to say that he saw him fainting.  
He only relaxed again when Potter finished his sentence.  
He leaned his head and neck back against the wooden head of his bed. 

He desperately wished for a forgetfulness potion to give Potter and himself.  
All sober again he saw the whole extent of their actions. Mainly his own actions. 

His throat felt dry. Draco's eyes had become fluttery since he was getting tired again. His energy hadn't had a chance to restore.  
"That makes two of us." Pansy said, not as snappy as earlier.  
"Make that three" he said drily. His voice had grown tired as well. 

"Hey Pansy, can I talk to Draco for a moment?" Draco froze in shock. Not a muscle in his body was moving.  
He couldn't believe that Potter would actually have the nerve to try to talk about what happened.  
"Go ahead, I'm not stopping you."  
Pansy appeared to be rather confrontational about not wanting to leave. 

Draco had his arms crossed in front of his chest, holding on tightly. He had started moving again, but only to chew on the inside of his cheek, to stay calm.  
"I meant alone" Potter explained patiently.  
"Oh, I know. But you'll have to put up with me." 

Even if Draco wasn't looking he knew that Potter was rolling his eyes.  
"Can I please I just talk to him? Two minutes."  
"You answered yes earlier to having attempted to kill him." Draco was only half listening to their conversation. He was focused on trying to control his breath. 

"Parkinson, you know I wouldn't hurt him." Draco heard one of them exhaling sharply.  
"Do I?" She threw her hands up.  
"Alright, two minutes. But only because you found him and got me."  
Draco clenched his teeth. He drew his legs in, close to his body. He was mentally and physically preparing to shut down and ignore Potter. 

The mattress bounced slightly as Pansy got up and left the room. The sound of the door shutting was the only indication he had that she left, he still hadn't looked up from his hands.  
"Look, I swear.." Potter began, when it suddenly dawned on Draco that Pansy was probably still right outside the door, listening. 

Before he could change his mind,he interrupted Potter.  
"Does whatever you're about to say require a _muffliato_ being cast?"  
His mattress bounced once again, as Potter sat down. It made Draco highly uncomfortable, and possibly even more tense than he had already been. 

"Already done" a mutter came from Potter. Draco shook his head to the extent that he was able to, which was not a lot because of how tense the muscles in his neck were. He must've not been fully conscious because he didn't remember Potter saying the words. Maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him. 

"Sorry, I didn't hear."  
"And you couldn't have seen, because you're vehemently not looking at me."  
Potter shot back and then paused for a moment.  
"But it was wordless magic, so you didn't have a chance to hear."  
Since when was Potter able to do wordless magic? Draco tried to save that information and come back to it later. 

"Offended that I'm not looking at you?"  
Potter answered a bit too fast.  
"No,no, no it's alright. It'sprobably more comfortable for both of us like this."  
Draco silently wondered if they had ever openly agreed on something. 

He sighed. The awkward silence was stretching out. They were obviously both very uncomfortable.  
"What did you want to say?"  
Draco just wanted to get over with this and just avoid Potter for the rest of his life. Too bad, he thought, Potter's lips Had felt pretty good on his. 

Draco's arm twitched up in a reflex to slap himself for even thinking that, but the stopped the motion before Potter could notice.  
"I just wanted you to know that I swear it wasn't me... really, I didn't do anything. I didn't use the situation to hurt you, I promise." 

Draco was irritated for a moment, Potter sounded so desperate and he didn't even understand what he was talking about.  
Slowly it came to Draco what Potter meant. The golden boy was absolutely clueless, he had no idea why Draco fainted. Draco smirked as he understood that Potter thought it was somehow his fault. 

"Do you think I'll bloody believe that?"  
Draco had put on a serious face and looked up at Potter.  
He almost smiled when potter slowly shook his head.  
"No, of course I can't expect that. I just really wanted to tell you, it honestly wasn't my intention to..."

Draco finally let go and started to laugh.  
While he was laughing it didn't wasn't even uncomfortable to look at Potter. Actually he had to laugh even more at the confused look on Potter's face. He tried to take in the view as long as it lasted. His younger self would have been very satisfied that he got Potter like that. 

"Oh the golden boy, still so oblivious. I'm joking, Potter."  
Potter blinked at him, still not looking like he had any clue what was going on.  
Draco decided to condescend to explain it to Potter.  
"I know it wasn't you. That one is totally on me, and I hate admitting that to you, but I wasn't careful enough."

The roles reversedas Potter started to smirk.  
"Excuse me, I'm not sure I heard you right, could you repeat that?"  
Draco pouted and dramatically turned his head away from Potter.  
"I am not saying that again."  
He heard Potter laughing for a moment, but when he turned around again Potter was already frowning again.  
"So what was it that you weren't careful enough with?" 

"Doesn't really matter now, does it?"  
Draco was sure that he definitely didn't like the thought of telling Potter about his paranoia and the spells protecting him. And he wanted him to know even less that he apparently couldn't handle them. 

"Yes it does."  
Unconsciously, he pouted at Potter's words.  
"Not to you at least."  
As much as he hated to admit it, Potter was right, it did matter. But Draco had experienced worse, he could handle a little fainting.  
"Why wouldn't it matter to me?"

Draco could practically feel Potter's asking eyes on him and felt forced to look over at him.  
Potter had one eyebrow raised at him, a questioning look in his eyes.  
Somehow it must've been the lightning, because Potter's eyes seemed to have an exceptionally pretty shade of green.  
"We're not friends Potter, that's why."  
Draco said, but it didn't sound as convincing as he had hoped it would. 

"Not really, no."  
Something about his tone of voice made Draco wonder what he was thinking. He felt like there was some subtext to Potter's words that he was missing.  
The door busted up loudly and prevented him from questioning Potter's words further. 

"I'm back, please tell me you're wearing clothes!" Pansy yelled at no one specifically, more just into the room. Then, she hurried over to the bed that the two boys were sitting on, which really made it seem like she was just curious if they were in fact still wearing clothes.  
"Quite a dramatic entrance, Parkinson."  
Potter smiled at her.  
"Thank you" pansy replied with a playful smirk. 

"So, Potter, I hear you're into boys?"  
She asked provocatively, but with maybe a bit too much excitement shining through.  
"Yeah, I guess the game might've revealed that."  
Pansy smiled, but but tried to out a straight face on, and Draco suddenly had a feeling.  
"Pansy, you knew!" 

Her hair flew because she turned her head to him so fast.  
"What?"  
Draco shook his head. She really was impossible. And so was he, for not guessing that earlier.  
"Gr...Hermione told you, didn't she?"  
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" 

She sounded way too defensive for what she was saying to be true. How funny, Draco thought, Potter's best friends didn't keep his secrets, that was exactly why he had never told anyone.  
"Thays alright." Potter jumped in, appearing ready to defend Hermione.  
"I don't mind people knowing, and I told Ron and Hermione that, she was allowed to tell people." 

Potter looked at Pansy strangely.  
"Even if I wouldn't have expected you to be the one she would talk to about that, it's alright I guess."  
"She did say that you didn't mind her talking about it. Maybe other people should be more honest as well?"  
She gave Draco an intense stare, she was probably still mad that she learned about his sexuality because of a drinking game. 

Draco took the time to rearrange his legs more comfortably before reacting to her.  
"Yes, I would've preferred for that to go differently as well.". He put a lot of effort into finding a neutral tone to say that in.  
"So are you like gay? Or bi? Or something else?" 

He rolled his eyes for her to see.  
"I might just ask you the same. But for me, I think I might only like blokes."  
"Draco,why didn't you tell me?"  
She had put off her fake anger and just sounded plain concerned, and that's how she looked, maybe even a little bit sad. 

At the corner of his eyes Draco felt water collecting and closed his eyes.  
He blinked quickly in hopes of drying out his eyes. He was going to spare himself the embarrassment of crying in front of Potter, his pride had already been damaged enough that night. 

It was impossible that he would talk about it in front of Potter, he barley even felt comfortable talking to Pansy.  
Draco was just trying to arrange the words in his head to send off Potter, when Potter said something on his own. 

"This sounds like a conversation you two should have, so I'm gonna leave you. But before I just want to say, I have struggled with this, and I want you to know that it's alright. It's not your fault, and it's not wrong. It makes you not better or worse as a person or in any way."  
Potter's eyes had shifted half thought his speech from Pansy to Draco. 

The direct glare from Potter made Draco feel uncomfortable. He was slightly shifting around on his spot of the bed. At the same time, it was like something in him had softened at Potter's words, as he felt less tense. But it wasn't that easy to move him with words. 

With what he said next Draco surprised himself. And judging by their reactions also the other two.  
"Actually, you could stay." He said into the silent room.  
Potter, who had already faced the door, turned back around.  
"Are you sure?" 

No, Draco wasn't sure. Not at all. He had no idea why he had just said that.  
Maybe it was his way of saying thank you, he liked that idea.  
Maybe it was something else, but it really didn't matter.  
"Yes." 

Draco felt a bit sick, in the way he had only ever felt because of excitement or fear. In the moment that was quite accurate, he felt a bit of both.  
Talking about his sexuality required showing a lot of vulnerability, not exactly a Malfoy's strong suit.  
Draco stopped rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand, which he only realized he had been doing and tried to sit up straighter. 

He went though the whole process of rearranging himself sitting against the bed before he grabbed his right arm with his left hand and started to form sentences in his head.


	10. ~10~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***  
> A/n: Before you read this, two things. First, I'm really sorry for not updating this story in a long time. I try my best but there's just a lot going on.  
> The second thing is, that I wrote just about half of this chapter drunk so if the grammar or the overall writing are terrible, you know why. Sorry about that too.  
> Now I hope you enjoy this cute little chapter. :)  
> The end might also be a bit unorganized or rushed, but we can sort that out in the next chapter!!!

***  
In his head, Draco had had multiple coming out conversations with Pansy. But it was all thrown over board.  
Having to explain to her why he had never felt comfortable enough to tell her, with Potter present as well, it was worse than he had ever imagined.  
He felt like he had been thrown into cold water and now needed to learn how to swim. 

There was no reasonable explanation he could give without revealing the constant struggle with his parents and his own identity.  
"Pansy, first I want to say that I am sorry for not telling you. It's not that I don't trust you, but more that I don't trust myself. This is a part of myself that I struggle with a lot, I didn't want to make it any more real by talking about it. I've pushed it away from myself and I am still processing the realization that I... feel attraction the way I do. I'm still not used to that, I hope you understand that it has nothing to do with you. OH, and Potter, I'm sorry you have to listen to this emotional ramble." 

He nervously chuckled at his own words, but it was forced.  
In the next second, Pansy had thrown her arms around him. He must've missed that she had moved closer to him on the bed so that she could hug him.  
"I don't know what to tell you, so I'm hugging you. And maybe you really looked like you needed that hug."  
She whispered to him. 

Draco felt a bit warm. He wasn't sure if it was just Pansys body warming him a bit or some kind of affection for her, but it made him realize how cold he had been.  
Some of it went away as Pansy pulled herself off of him, but a bit of the warmth stayed with him.  
She smiled proudly and clapped her hands together.  
"That sure was a posh way of saying that you're gay and scared of it." 

From The side of the bed came a nervous chuckle. Potter had probably been highly uncomfortable and had only started to feel better at Pansy's comment.  
"It's good that he said it in such a posh way, or I would've almost mistaken him for human." 

Draco was overcome by a sudden feeling that he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was like he felt the need to hug Potter and hate him at the same time. He decided that neither of those options were appropriate.  
"Yeah it would be too bad to associate me with human wouldn't it?"

The words came out a lot more provocative than Draco had originally intended. He noticed a sudden change in Potter's face, he had a horrified look.  
"Oh no, Malfoy, that really wasn't what I meant..." 

Draco interrupted him, before Potter would get too apologetic.  
"It probably was what you meant, but that's totally okay, I was joking. I mean, I spent years working hard on the image that people had of me, and that just didn't happen to be very human."

The room was silent for a fee seconds before Pansy shook her head.  
"I can't speak for the saviours amongst us" she cast a quick glance to Potter, "but I've always seen you as human. Even if you try very hard not to seem vulnerable."  
She stretched her arm out and grabbed his hand. It was something she always did to comfort him, and it worked a lot of the time. 

With Pansy holding his hand, Draco felt reassured in a way. Like maybe not everything had changed in the previous few hours.  
One glance next to his bed, where Potter was standing, ripped him out of that delusional feeling.  
"Oh wow, you two do manage to look rather straight for being gay."  
Potter smiled so satisfied at his own joke, that Draco's brain plain refused to get mad at him for that comment. 

One edge of Draco's mouth actually curled up, into half a smile. Potter wasn't even wrong, a lot of people had believed that he had Pansy were dating. But at the same time, everyone had thought that Potter would end up with the female Weasel before she turned out to be a lesbian.  
It was a bit late when Draco noticed that he was still smiling. He put on his best frown to save himself from the embarrassment of being caught laughing at one if Potter's jokes. 

"Was that referring to both of us? Because if yes I'd be interested in how you think I am gay."  
It was a snappy tone, but Draco knew that Pansy was only joking. However, Potter did not.  
"Oh no, I'm sorry Parkinson, I wasn't trying to offend you."  
Potter added something, but he only whispered inaudibly and Draco had no chance of catching what he was saying. 

Pansy didn't seem to notice Potter's whispered addition tho, because she laughed and turned to Potter.  
"You didn't, but I'm curious how you came to that conclusion. However, that sounded ridikulus, you might as well call me Pansy." The following stunned silence was broken by a gasp.  
Draco only caught a glimpse of Potter's shocked face before the stunned expression turned mischievous.  
"Well then, Pansy, I only assumed based on how Hermione has been mentioning you every now and then. She has that look in her eyes, it would be such a shame if that wasn't mutual." 

In a sudden movement, Pansy sat up and leaned closer to Potter. Her eyes looked huge, and she was for once speechless. Meanwhile, in an instant of looking at Potter, Draco noticed his satisfied look.  
Draco used the moment to sit up on the bed as well, as he did not want to be the only one leaned back, it made him feel exposed.  
He had already settled in a new position, with his legs handing over the edge of the bed, and according facing Potter before Pansy found words. 

"What do you mean by that? Go on!!"  
She had a mixture of despair and curiosity about her.  
"No, no, if you're not interested anyways there is no need for me to go on."  
There was something clearly teasing in his voice, but it seemed in no way harmful. Draco was fairly amused to see Pansy's confused expression, and surprised because he didn't expect Potter to have this kind of humour. Who knew that the golden boy could be entertaining?

The suspense on Pansy's face was a rare sight, and Draco thoroughly enjoyed it as long as it lasted. But he couldn't quite restrain himself from adding a comment of his own.  
"Oh I am convinced it is mutual. It is quite obvious on Pansy as well."  
While he had mentally prepared to be shushed or hit, he was able to watch her cheeks slowly blush until they had taken on a bright pink colour. It looked exceptionally pretty with her dark hair me noted, almost like Potter when he blushed. Just her skin was lighter, so it showed more. 

She looked deliberate while she adjusted a strand of her hair, and in an instant, Draco caught himself how he copied her movement. He had raised his hand up to his hair and adjusted some strands on the side.  
The realization almost made him feel embarrassed. He wanted to check if the others had caught him doing so as well and noticed Potter looking at him.  
The edges of his mouth were dancing around, in the obvious manner of trying to suppress a smile.  
Draco could have damned himself, it really wasn't the time to worry about his looks. 

It were moments like these in which he wished he was more like Potter. He always looked effortlessly good and natural. Even if sometimes, Draco got really annoyed by how wild his hair was. He had never met anyone who could have such terrible hair as Potter but still look good.  
The second he consciously noted what he was thinking, he blinked down.  
For at least 30 seconds he had been starring at Potter, mentally complimenting him. 

Maybe a minute had passed, even if it felt like 10 to Draco, and Pansy had not noticed any of the looks that had been exchanged behind her back.  
It appeared she caught herself in her oblivious behaviour when she stated: .  
"Just to clarify, I realize my cheeks are red. That's still from the alcohol."  
Draco chuckled.  
"You know you're only making it worse, right?" 

He was trying to stay on neutral grounds. His intention was to only slightly tease her while avoiding to mention why it was odd that it had to be Hermione she fell for. And neither Potter nor Pansy herself seemed to have anything else in mind. 

"To make something worse, it needs to be bad in the first place. Did I miss the part where anything about you two making assumptions about me and Hermione was bad?"  
Of course, he thought while he tried to restrain his lips from curling up into a smile. She was being defensive, but in an adorable way.  
"You know, that sounds like Hermione could have said that."

"Ugh, clearly you two spend too much time together." Draco made the statement as dramatic as possible. He stretched the word "too" out with an eyeroll. A feeling that had slowly built up in his stomach over time was peaking. It was like a happy tickling of happiness and excitement. It had been a long time since he had felt that comfortable in the presence of anyone but his closest friends. The feeling of relief that suddenly came over him was overwhelming. 

Draco felt less tense than at any point since they had returned to the castle.  
Not even Pansy's comment following his tease changed that.  
"Oh, you're one to talk. You two are a suspiciously good team at mocking me. Got some practice in?"  
She was looking back and forth between him and Potter.  
Both of them decided to ignore her. Instead, Potter invited himself to sit down on Draco's bed as well. 

Potter sent a shy look over at Draco and hesitantly pointed at the mattress. When there was no answer, at least not a spoken one, he just sat down.  
Draco was purposely not looking over, but he felt the mattress giving in a bit as Potter's weight was added to it. 

Even if Draco didn't understand why Potter would feel the need to sit on his bed, while his own as in the same room, Draco couldn't deny that it took him back to the moment earlier that night. And he didn't quite dislike the thought of Potter in his bed. Or any boy, for that matter, he quickly added on to that thought.

It bothered Draco quite a lot that he couldn't even blame alcohol for his foolish thoughts. It was like he had lost any control over his head.  
It occurred to him how ironic it was that he, the supposedly so cold headed Slytherin was really never rational.  
"I'm taking your silence for a yes, just so you know." 

Pansy's comment drew Draco back into the real world, and he almost felt like he blushed. Draco almost felt exposed, like he had been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. It just didn't make sense, since she really hadn't. There was no reason for him to feel that way.  
"Pansy, don't be ridiculous. You and Hermione might be getting a little affectionate, but the day that Malfoy and I will get along won't be here soon." 

Potter sounded very convinced, maybe even more than Draco felt.  
"Who knows when that will happen."  
He was not sure wether that was a question or a statement, but if it was a question it was one that he didn't want to know the answer to.  
"My general guess would be round about never." 

Potter's tone of voice reminded Draco a lot of his own usual tone, in a very bad way.  
"Oh come on Potter, we've been getting along all night. Except, of course, I interpreted that wrong."  
He had tried to copy the voice that Potter had spoken in, and Potter seemed to have noticed.  
The other boys face began to soften again, but Draco didn't notice. 

He was pressing his back back against the wooden head of his bed. An anxious feeling had overcome him as he had realized that he couldn't expect Potter to take this as a joke. Potter had a legit reason to hate him, and so did everyone else. Draco just didn't understand why he always seemed to forget that.  
Something seemed to come over him, because before he knew it Draco had one hand wrapped around his other arm, as if he needed something to hold on to. 

Then he spoke up about his thoughts.  
"Or maybe it's because you're still mad at me, that's probably it. My bad."  
Draco had the feeling that he was being watched, and it was quickly confirmed as the two people on his bed were both starring at him. Pansy with a more concerned look, and Potter with a surprisingly soft expression.  
"I'm not mad, that's definitely not what I'd call it. Don't worry, I wouldn't be sitting on your bed right now if I were actually mad at you." 

And to his very surprise, Draco felt relieved at that. Just why would he need or want any validation from Potter or care about his opinion? That had never been a thing that mattered. Or had it?  
Maybe,if Draco would have been able to look back at himself and how he acted all those years long, he would have been able to see that it had always looked a lot like he was trying to impress everyone, including Potter. He just didn't know it. 

"Okay guys, pleas postpone any declarations of love for a time when you're alone."  
In a reflex, Draco buried his face in his hands, he felt embarrassed. She really had to take it that far. He rubbed one thumb over his lips, he noticed they were incredibly dry. Probably a side effect of the potion that sobered them up.  
"Oh piss off" he said and drew a discrete grimace at her. 

The worst part about Pansy and her commentary we stay she was so wrong. Draco didn't love Potter and Potter certainly didn't love Draco, but she was a constant reminder of the weird thing that had happened between them.  
He still wasn't quite able to grasp whatever that had been.  
The one thing that he knew for sure was that it had affirmated him in his sexual orientation. 

There was another thing that Draco knew. He desperately needed a lip balm. He lifted his pale hands off his face and slid one hand under the pillow, where his wand still had to be somewhere.  
While he was feeling for the cold wood under his pillow, he felt his sleeve slide up uncomfortably and Draco froze in an instant. 

It had become a routine to him to feel uncomfortable the second that his forearms were exposed. Technically, no one could even see his mark, it was hidden by the pillow and his blanket, but still he slowly tried to push his shirt back down without getting his hand out from under the blanket.  
He must've looked a little too focused on something for too long, because he noticed Pansy and Potter giving him odd looks.  
He felt a sudden mix of anger and despair cool up in him, more at himself and that disgusting mark than at anybody else, but he still needed a target for his anger. 

"Got a problem?"  
He sneered at them. The reminder for the pure existence of his mark had killed Draco's mood. He was staring to feel hassled on his own bed because of the mere presence of the other two.  
"No, we don't have a problem, do you?"  
Draco was aware that Pansy had probably asked with the intention of getting him to open up, but the moment for that had passed. 

"Maybe I do. We could start with how I don't have space on my own bed. Why don't you just move over to Potter's bed and have a good time?"  
Potter jumped up and looked at Draco in a way like they were in 5th year again, the only emotion expressed in his eyes being disgust.  
"Don't act surprised Potter. You didn't actually think we would get along for another five minutes, did you?" 

That look made Draco want to throw up every time he saw it, and he got those looks a lot every day. But that time it was even more intense. But there was no going back.  
"What the fuck, Draco? Do we look like two garbage bins specially for your mood swings? How did you even come up with this now?"  
While getting up Pansy had, likely on purpose, ripped down Draco's blanket with her. Then she had almost yelled at him. 

"You know what? Maybe you're not that wrong. I'm over your drama for today. Why don't you figure this mood out for yourself? Hey Po-" she stopped before she finished the name and took the time to smile over at Draco.  
"I mean Harry, let's actually go and leave him to his moods. He'll get back to normal when he's ready."  
For a moment, Potter's eyes were flicking back and forth between Pansy and him, before he gave a small nodd in her direction.  
"You're not that wrong. I've had enough sudden changes of mind for one night."  
Draco felt numb as she grabbed Potter's arm and lead him out of the room, leaving Draco alone. 

Before they reached the door Draco had sat up and reached out one arm, as to hold them back, but he quickly let it sink back down. There was no point in trying to make them stay, he had already gotten the his way by making them leave. But again, it was unusual that getting his way only made him sad. 

He was not in any condition to be alone, and yet there he was. He still felt disgusting thinking about how they had looked at him. Pansy was right, he was being a drama queen, and he had even realized it in the moment.  
And even if he had wanted to take back the comment about Potter's bed and the throwing them out part, he had definitely not wanted to swallow his pride. It was easier if they just all cooled off instead of some pathetic apology. 

On second thought, Draco realized that he felt sad and alone without them because that was simply what he was, sad and lonely.  
It appeared to him that he had two options, giving in to his emotions or just going to sleep.  
He decided to sleep, but he was too lazy to get up again and change into his pyjamas. He was also too scared that they would come back in to take off his shirt. 

On the bright side, his wand had rolled down with his blanket when Pansy had pushed it off the bed, so he just picked it and the blanket up and swung the wand once to close the curtains around his bed.  
In another small movement and with a whisper, he cast the silencing spell over the little, isolated space that his bed gave him. Draco drew the blanket up to his chest and laid down, but his eyes wouldn't close for sleep


	11. ~11~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So that was a long break.  
> In advance I might need to warn you that this chapter might partially be influenced by me having a STREAK of happiness

*****

For a while Draco had laid in his bed, trying to sleep. But he was too tense. Every time his heart beat in his chest, he felt it. Draco tried to switch positions, but it didn't help much. He was laying on his right side, his left arm hanging down over his stomach, but his heart was still violently beating. 

That happend almost every time when he was exited, had fought with someone or anxious. So almost a daily thing. It always made falling asleep a lot harder than it would usually be. He hated it, because it always made it hard for him to find sleep exactly when he needed it most.  
A frustrated groan fought it's way out of his mouth. He craved rest and sleep, for the sake of his physical and mental health, but the so desperately wished relief of sleep just wouldn't come over him. 

He waved the thought off. No matter what, he would be woken by his nightmares anyway, there was no use in trying so hard to sleep. Eventually he gave in to the moment of just laying there and that was when his body finally relaxed and after a while, he drifted off. 

It could've been hours, or maybe just 30 minutes when he ripped his eyes open and abruptly sat up against the head of his bed. His breaths were heavy and uneasy, and he was sure if he had not cast the silencing charm, it would have woken his roommates. He had a feeling that they had come in.  
He knew that there was no use in trying to fall back asleep right away, he was too shaken by the dream he had had. 

Sometimes he just woke up scared, only having a hunchof the nightmare that had woken him. But it was not one of those times, he remembered the details about his dream vividly.  
It hadn't been the usual, his dad or the batter of Hogwarts, this one had gone deeper.  
It almost pained him to think about it, but he had dreamed about the events of the day. 

He had entered the room of requirements for the party, but in difference to reality, after a few seconds it had turned into a ocean of flames,reaching out for him. A hand had stretched out for his, Crabbe.  
Suddenly, someone had pulled him out of the scenery and into the hallway.  
When he turned around to see who it was, he had starred directly into Potter's green eyes for a moment. Then a flame swallowed him.  
Draco had woken up at that point, sweating, still feeling the heat of the fire on his skin. 

His breath had slowly calmed down as he recalled the dream. He swung his legs over to the edge of his bed. If he wasn't going to sleep, he had decided that he might as well catch some fresh air. In a smooth movement he drew back the curtain around his bed on one side and slipped his feet down, right into his shoes.  
He used his arms that we're propped up on the mattress to push himself up.  
So far,he had not made a noise. 

The room was dark and quiet and he heard the calm breaths of someone sleeping. A look at the click on the side table of his bed told him that it was 4 am, the day would dawn soon.  
Swiftly he moved to the door with a few small steps, careful not to wake anyone up. 

All the curtains around the beds were closed. Draco took another look around the room to make sure that no one saw him leaving and opened the door.  
With one last step he exited the room and closed the door.  
He took the stairs two at once, suddenly in a hurry to get out of the dorms and the common room. 

His feet made tapping noises on the floor as he strode across the common room, over to the portrait. He climbed out of the hole and the fresh breeze out in the hallway hit him instantly.  
The cool air felt refreshing, slowly Draco's skin, that had felt like it was burning, adapted to the temperature and cooled down.  
It was a relief to him. 

His feet automatically carried him through the halls and up the stairs, until he found himself at the entrance to the astronomy tower.  
A sudden feeling of overwhelming guilt hit him.  
It dawned on him in that moment, that he had unconsciously avoided the tower since the incident in sixth year.  
Even if Draco had not managed to actively do his job, he felt responsible for the man's death. 

He had sunken deep into his thoughts, like a trance. Something kept him from walking up the stairs of the tower, unconsciously he was afraid of more memories that could hit him there.  
It seemed like trying to escape his nightmare, he had walked right into the next. 

Just that this one was real, even if it was just a memory, it was still present. Draco caught himself hoping that one day the memories would fade, that he could forget the look that he had seen on Dumbledores face as his lifeless body fell.  
He imagined himself to look the same, standing there, frozen. He was frowning and was starring with dead eyes at the steps in front of his feet, but Draco didn't notice. He had no control over his own body, nor did he have any feeling on how it could look. The only thing about him that moved were his eyelids that fluttered every now and then. 

He was ripped out of his frozen state suddenly, by a hand that was placed on his left upper arm.  
Draco twirled around, suddenly becoming aware of his environment once again.  
He almost froze again as he saw the bunch on dark, messy hair and the green eyes looking right at him. 

"You alright?" Potter said in a raspy voice.  
"Ugh. This is the third uncalled for, private encounter with you today. Could you stop?"  
Draco had trouble to control the flow of words that desperately wanted to leave his mouth.  
The sudden return to reality had stunned Draco. 

"Well excuse me, it's not like I planned that either?" Potter said in a snappy voice that reminded Draco a lot more of Pansy than he was comfortable with.  
Even in the dark corridor Draco could make out the green of Potter's eyes.  
Only them it dawned on him that neither of them had their wants lit with lumos anymore.  
"So you expect me to believe you didn't follow me after I left the dorm?" 

Potter's wand lit up all of a sudden But Draco was sure that he had not heard Potter say anything to cast the Kunis charm.  
"Don't overestimate yourself, I didn't even know you went out since I wasn't in the dorm."  
It made Draco feel oddly disappointed. Especially because he had no idea where else Potter would have been in the middle of the night. 

"Oh. Where were you then?"  
He watched Potter raise his eyebrows at him in the faint light that the wand was giving off.  
"I am really not obligated to answer that, you know."  
Draco was staring to get more and more frustrated with Potter. Potter sounded an awful lot like himself. Draco repeatedly went over that thought. He just couldn't find anything actually wrong with it. As disturbing as it was, it was true. 

"Cut it out Potter. You sound too much like me." He finally said.  
"And you wouldn't like talking to yourself?"  
Draco shook his head. This whole conversation was going nowhere. It was a waste of both of their time, but mainly his time.  
"Okay this is pointless. Why don't you just go off and do whatever nightly sneaking around the castle you had planned." Draco was aware of how annoyed he must've sounded but he didn't mind. 

"Why don't you go up the tower?"  
Against Draco's strong expectation that Potter would leave,just as annoyed by Draco as Draco was by him, he stayed. And the question caught Draco off guard, something he would remember to never be around his arch enemy.  
"It...no re...That is entirely none of your business, golden boy."  
Draco turned to look straight up the towers stairs in am attempt to avoid eye contact.  
"Sorry, that was a rethoricql question. I know why." 

A frustrated sigh escaped Draco's lips.  
"Now why would that be, Mr. Know-it-all?"  
There was a scrapping on the floor as Potter took a step back.  
"I'm sorry, don't hex me for saying it, but I was there."  
Draco stumbled sideways in disbelief, until he stood right in front of Potter, looking at his face.  
"You were there? For what?" He spat directly into Potter's face, a slight threat glimmed in his eyes.  
Anger was threatening to take over Draco. He could feel the rage build up in his chest. 

There was no reason to direct his anger towards Potter but he was the only available option. The veil of rage that had fallen over his conscious mind was lifted for only a moment, as two hands were gently placed on both his upper arms.  
"Listen, it wasn't your fault. A couple of months ago I would have held this against you, but I've learned since then."  
"What are you talking about, make yourself clear!" 

Draco was trying hard to hide his irritation. He wasn't used to being touched randomly at times when Pansy wasn't around. Showing physical affection had never been a huge priority in his life. It was questionable wether this was affection, but it was physical for sure.  
"You know what I am talking about. The night Dumbledore and I arrived on the tower. The night he never made it back into the castle." 

There was a strange sound to that. It made Draco's hard race in anger and brought tears of sadness into his eyes.  
Half angry, half in despair he pushed one of Potter's hands off his arm but lacked the strength to do so on the other side as well.  
His arms felt heavy and the spot that had previously been warmed by the other boy's hand felt strangely cold.  
But Draco was only partly aware of all of those things. 

"You don't know what you're saying! I don't know what you're saying."  
He almost yelled out in rage, but restrained himself for the sake of the time being way past curfew.  
"Please don't say it." He added on, in a way different tone. His anger had dissolved completely into a helplessness. It was like he was drowning in the feeling of guilt that had weighted heavy on him since the night Dumbledore died. 

"It's okay, I won't. We don't need to talk about it. We can just go somewhere else."  
Draco blinked, feeling like he was on the edge of tears.  
"We?" He asked skeptically, not sure what Potter was trying to do.  
"You don't seem to be in a condition where I should let you wander around alone." Potter stated simply. 

"I am Draco Malfoy, I'm always in a condition where you can leave me alone." Draco said as confident as possible, hoping to believe in his own words if they sounded stable enough.  
"Yes, of course, doesn't mean that I'm gonna leave you alone now."  
"Potter, you are terribly stubborn." Draco said with a roll of his eyes. All those years of the golden boy getting on his nerves and not a thing had changed. He just didn't mind it as much. 

"Yes, I've been told that multiple times."  
Potter said with a smirk.  
"Where else would you suggest to go then?"  
"You're the one sneaking around the castle at night, you tell me."  
Draco exhaled with a chuckle.  
"So what would you call what you're doing here then?"  
Potter nodded and raised his hands defensively, which caused Draco to take a notice that Potter's one had had still been resting on his arm.  
"I assume the same, but I prefer to call it checking the castle for fellow eighth years " 

Draco raised his eyebrows and gave Potter a judging look.  
"Ah yes, the Oh-so-righteous student"  
Potter raised his brows back, but with a more serious look.  
"Would you stop calling me that?"  
"Depends, would you shut up?"  
There was a pause in which Potter hesitated to say something. The atmosphere seemed to completely change in that moment.  
"Would you make me?" Potter finally whispered, looking straight at Draco. 

For a second, Draco was almost overwhelmed trying to process those words. But then he realized it were his options what he could do next that were overwhelming.  
He had no intention to repeat the drunk mistake he had made earlier, yet he took a step towards Potter, closing the distance between them. 

They had already stood within each other's reach, but as soon as Draco came closer, Potter drew him in with one arm. It felt strong, more muscular than Draco had expected. Draco's mouth felt strangely dry. That was all he was able to notice before they fell into a hungry kiss. 

Even if Potter was the one who inicciated the kiss, Draco's was the one who's lips were almost swallowing up Potter's soon.  
He felt Potter's hot breath against his skin. The lips Draco was kissing felt nice, a little dry but still soft. Draco's smooth skin was brushing against the slightly rough texture of a recently cut beard. 

Soon Draco had wrapped his arms around Potter as well, holding him close with one hand, sliding over his back with the other.  
In return, Potter had one arm wrapped around Draco to hold him, while the other had wandered up and reached his neck. The feeling of someone touching the soft and exposed skin on his neck was strange, but I'm the heat of the moment very pleasant. 

Like before the kiss was rough and not very intimate, purley sexual. Every now and then, Draco gasped for air, and every now and then Potter gasped, which Draco enjoyed very much.  
Potter had started to gently pull at the collar of Draco's shirt, while Draco has gone over to mess in up Potter's hair.  
Every movement was rushed in the heat of the moment. They were kissing at a very fast pace, everything about it was rough. To Draco, that was the only way it was possible. He had never kissed a boy in any other way. 

The only noises in the corridor were the fast breaths and the occasional gasps and groans resulting from the heated kiss. It turned more into a making out session when Draco's hand found it's way under Potter's loose white shirt. He was so caught up in the moment that he didn't even question what he was doing. Carefully Draco managed, to keep Potter's hands on the outside of his shirt, where they found their way up to his neck and into his hair. 

Potter's hot breaths on his skin sent shivers down Draco's back. So did the feeling of Potter's surprising soft skin under his hands. Draco's lips felt hot, but so we're Potter's and it didn't matter much.  
Draco took two determinated steps forward, which pushed Potter to go back until he stood with his back against the wall.  
For a second, Draco pulled his head back to see what he was doing? But all that his mind could grasp was how hot the sight of Potter was, all out of breath, his hair even messier than usually, and his shirt in messy wrinkles. 

Draco leaned back in, hoping to resist his sudden urge to rip Potter's shirt off him. In his head, he pictures Potter without that shirt and it was a nice view in his imagination.  
He pressed himself against Potter more firmly, and Potter further against the wall. But Potter didn't seem to mind, instead, he let himself sink back.  
Slowly their tongues stopped dancing and Potter starred to kiss and suck the pale and soft skin of Draco's neck.  
It felt phenomenal, Draco knee that much, but in a rare moment of cleverness he remembered how hard it was to cover hickeys on his pale skin.  
It would be rather hard to explain, why he had a hickey on his neck, especially if it was placed there by Potter. 

"We need...to stop" Draco mumbled breathlessly and made a half hearted effort to push Potter off. He hadn't actually hoped that Potter would stop, he was too caught up with just how well his body reacted to Potter.  
But Potter immediately stepped back, after one last time of stroking Draco's back while pulling back his hand, that left Draco wondering wether or not it was intentional.  
When Draco let his own arms sink down to his sides he noticed how hard it was to lower them slowly. This arms and hands were shaking heavily.  
He kept looking at his trembling fingers over which he seemed to have lost control.

"We keep meeting...under odd circumstances" Potter managed to say, still catching his breath.  
"It appears you're correct for once."  
Draco's snarky voice was only coming out on his unertone and there was a good chance that Potter didn't even notice it.  
"We should go back to bed." 

While Draco had expected to see Potter shifting awkwardly and looking uncomfortable when he looked at him,it was nothing of the sort. The other boy was looking straight at him, almost a bit too casual for Draco's taste. Admittedly, he was rather stunned. He had expected the noble golden boy to try and talk about it.  
It was a pleasant surprise to Draco that he didn't. 

"Do as you please, im not yet going to sleep" Draco said quietly.  
"Nightmares?" Potter asked very emphatically  
"You don't have to tell me." He quickly added to this question. 

"I'd prefer not to talk about it with you, you got that right."  
Draco heard a frustrated sigh.  
"Me too, just in case you care. A lot of us have them."  
What threw Draco off was the term 'us' as he didn't quite know what Potter meant by that.  
"Difference is, you can have them. I can't." Draco said determined, hinting to the fact that everyone else had nightmares about the horrible things that happened to them, while he had them about the horrible things he did and the well deserved horror he got. 

"You know you can too, right?" Potter tried to sound gentle but Draco knew that he probably didn't mean it.  
"But I can't."  
"Yes, you can. The fact that you made a choice, admittedly a horrible one, regarding the side you were on, doesn't take away you right to be traumatized. It doesn't make the things you experienced less terrible than anything anyone else went though." 

How could Potter not understand? It dawned on Draco that the golden boy probably never had felt guilt in his life. It almost made him want to laugh.  
"You don't get it, do you? I did horrible things. I didn't want to, but I did. I did horrible things to other people. This is the least of what I deserve." 

Draco almost went on but remembered to shut up. His feelings of guilt were something he didn't openly express. And they certainly were none of Potter's business.  
Draco almost jumped when he unexpectedly felt something touch his back. He shot a glare over to Potter, who was gently stroking Draco's shoulder with one hand.  
"I'm not telling you that what you did was right, but your feelings are valid."

Unwittingly Draco rolled his eyes, a habit that either expressed horrible annoyance or playful amusement. The last one applied in that moment.  
His lips even curved up in a little smirk. Totally distracted from the original subject of the conversation, he was amused just how stubbornly righteous Potter was.  
It was even worse than Draco had always thought. But not necessarily as annoying. 

"Potter, I am not sure wether you should see a therapist or rather become one yourself." Draco mocked mindlessly.  
Of all the times in his career at Hogwarts where Draco had mocked Potter, he had probably never meant as little harm as when he made that comment. 

Potter seemed to notice that since he smiled in response.  
"And who would I treat? Pale people with complexes because of their lacking  nose?"  
Draco giggled in an almost childish way at the playful approach of the dark Lord.  
"I don't know, I don't believe they license people who skipped their 7th year at Hogwarts." Potter smirked over at Draco.  
"They probably don't, but hey, I've got a friend who's dad works in the ministry, maybe he can help me out." 

"How noble, blocking out the fact that you have a name that could get you basically anywhere." While the undertone of this statement had gotten more serious, Potter appeared to consciously ignore it.  
"Anywhere you say? How about back to the dorm in your company?"

Both of Draco's eyebrows shot up and he gave Potter a reproachful look.  
"You are aware that you can just go, right? I also hope you're aware how oddly sexual that sounded."  
From almost accusing in the first part of his response Draco quickly went back to joking. But not without his heart skipping a beat at his use of the word "sexual".

"I don't know, I hope you're aware thay that might've bee intentional."  
Potter took a short break to run a hand through his brown and messy hair.  
"And now let's go back. Unless you want me to tell McGonagall that you're outlast curfew."  
With that, Potter turned around dramatically and started walking, leaving Draco absolutely stunned for a second.  
Snitching to the headmistress? That sounded a lot more like a Malfoy move than something Potter would do. 

"What if I'm not coming?" Draco yelled after him, as quietly as he could in an effort not to wake up the whole castle.  
In response he got a glare back over his shoulder from Potter.  
"In that case, my threat was serious."  
Draco took a deep breath in in preparation to yell something back before he decided to resign and give this one to Potter.  
He hurried along the wall in the dark, following the light of Potter's wand until he had caught up with the other boy. 

"You're a total wanker, Potter. I hope you know that."  
Potter chuckled lightly.  
"All I know is that you use every possibly opportunity to tell me so."  
He stated with a smirk over at Draco that he had seemingly hoped would go unnoticed.  
"Not offended by the insult?" Draco asked provokingly with hoped of suppressing his wish to reach over and playfully hit Potter's arm. Bodily contact had proven itself to be an issue that we to be avoided. 

Oddly enough, Draco usually hated any form of Physical contact. He disliked people bumping into him in the hallway, just as much as having to shake someone's hand. And he was not about to make Potter an exception.  
The thoughtful act of controlling his own body was interrupted by a softly spoken comment from his left,where Potter was walking  
"No offence taken, even if I assume that was your goal. That's a satisfaction you will need to work harder for." 

Draco's left arm was tensed up, since Potter had leaned in to speak. Only slowly, after the other boy had distanced himself once again, Draco's arm relaxed.  
Mentally he already prepared his comeback when they arrived at the portrait and Potter said the password.  
Silently they walked through the common room and up the stairs together, Potter taking two at once while Draco gracefully took smaller steps. It kept the distance a lot more comfortable. 

In front of the door to their dorm, they stopped.  
"Good night." Potter said and reached for the door when Draco stopped him.  
"Yes, sleep well. And don't even consider ever telling someone about this." He said in a low and threatening voice before lightly shoving Potter aside and walking inside first.


	12. ~12~

*****  
Back in the dorm Draco heard Potter walk in behind him, whining some complaint. But he didn't turn around to look at Potter. He just went straight to his bed, climbed in through the hole in his curtains that he had left open when he left, and closed the curtains.  
All without a single look at the bed across from him to see if the other boy was doing the same. 

When he laid down, his whole body relaxed. Only then Draco realized how tense he must have been.  
He figured that it probably was because he'd been talking to Potter so much. They had more conversations that day than possibly in all the years since they first met.  
It irritated Draco how well they got along. Not a lot of people go from being arch enemies to snogging to having late night conversations in the halls. 

He shoved those thoughts aside, deciding to settle with calling it a one-time-occurance. He'd just leave it and treat Potter as always. Just maybe a bit better, for the sake of the possibility of redeeming himself in the wizarding world. He still longed to be a part of it, not feel out if place at every public location.  
That still didn't make the saviour any less of a brat tho. 

It was as if he felt relief by thinking of Potter as a brat. He was glad he still thought so. No nightly encounter in the hall would change that, he was hoping.  
He repeated the term 'brat' in his mind as many times as he could while thinking of Potter. He'd have to burn the connection between the two into his mind permanently. Just like he had done during the war with the word 'enemy' while he imagined Potter. 

Before, it had been for the sake of his own safety, as well as his family's. Thinking of Potter as the enemy had been crucial with the chance of the dark Lord raiding his mind at all times. Draco was just hoping that it would work just as well another time. Even if no one's life was depending on it.  
It was a silent hope, like a quiet wish to the ghosts of all wizards that had ever lived. Because he knew that if he stopped thinking of Potter as his arch nemesis and a brat, he'd have lost control.  
And Draco liked being in control. 

That was the reason it annoyed him so much that he had no control over certain parts of himself. The fact that there were things out there he couldn't control was scary, the fact that there were things about his own person that he couldn't control, even scarier. 

It was rare that Draco admitted it, but he felt jealousy towards the people, that just lived with themselves.  
Pansy was one of them. He admired, yet desired her ability to love with herself and her desires just as they were. If she wanted to get intimate with someone, she did. No matter who it was.  
Draco wished dearly to be able to do the same and also damned himself for wishing so. Of course he felt the same things, but he didn't act on those feelings or wishes. 

While Draco had managed to lock away his ability to feel for people as good as humanly possible, it was impossible to lock up his natural desires just as well. Even if he tried to conceal it, he felt drawn towards certain people once in a while. Or just drawn to simple acts of intimacy. And those desired scared him. Probably more than anything else, even more than professor McGonagall. 

In an instant, his anxiously serious thoughts drifted off, became more and more abstract, until they were just a uncontrollable twirl of words and images in his mind that sucked him into a deep sleep, full of restless dreams  

*****

A few hours later, Draco hesitantly blinked his eyes open. His sight was met by a soft morning light.  
He already felt full awake and not at all tired, even if he didn't feel well-rested, either.  
Still, he was awake, which was good enough for him. 

His tongue slid over his dry lips and he immediately felt the need to put balm on them. Hydrating his lips was one of the few habits of self-care that Draco had stuck with after the war.  
His formerly so extensive routine had shrunk to the bare minimum of care for his appearance. Which was, as Draco had had to notice one again, still a lot more than what the other boy's in his year did in term of hygiene.  
Some of them, and it was no coincidence that he thought of Michael Corner right away, barley even washed their faces. He was sure of that. 

By the time his than of thought finished,   Draco had applied enough balm to his lips that if anyone were to have seen him, they would surely think that he was under a curse.  
His freshly moisturizer lips opened for a brief yawn. 

After Draco had gotten dressed in the bathroom he felt good. Not really good, but better compared to what he usually felt like. He decided to consider that as an equivalent to good.  
He'd previously already blocked the day for homework. That, however, seemed horribly unappealing.  
As he knew all too well, there was no way to avoid it. But he thought that maybe he could at least persuade Pansy and Blaise to do it with him.  
In a sudden hurry that he had fallen into, Draco scribbled a note to Pansy and Balise, asking to meet him outside the common room within 30 minutes. He charmed it and it flew off like a paper plane, a muggle term that Draco had learned over the summer. For a reason, that he was apparently completely oblivious to, he found the term to be awfully adorable. 

30 minutes after the paper plane had levitated out of his dorms window Draco stood outside the common room, in front of the portrait, waiting.  
He did not have to stand there long, as maybe two minutes later the portrait opened and Pansy climbed out.  
Her lips were curled up but Draco saw the concern sparkling in her eyes right away.  
"Don't even start. I'm fine." He stated firmly before she had even opened her mouth. 

"Yes, a good morning to you as well. Glad you slept well."  
They both chuckled and Draco raised his hands defensively.  
"Alright, alright. I might've been a bit quick there. Good morning."  
"No worries. No good morning will stop me from being concerned about you."

Draco waved it off with one hand.  
"So do we have to wait for Balise?" He asked.  
A devious smirk appeared on Pansy's face, accompanied by a suppressed giggle.  
"We do not. As far as he told me, he's helping Daphne to study for care of magical creatures."  
Draco blinked down at Pansy slightly sceptical. He refrained from commenting the fact that the eighth graders didn't have care for magical creatures anymore. But as far as it was possible to judge by Pansy's expression, she was well-aware of that herself.

It was so typical for Balise, that, apart from a mischievous look they exchanged, neither Pansy nor Draco bothered to comment the terrible excuse any further.  
Draco suspected they were doing a lot of things but surely not studying. If that was the case, he was positive they'd hear about it later. 

"So that leaves the two of us. Where'd you like to go to study?" Pansy asked, leaving Draco in a position where he'd have to make a suggestion.  
"I know you like going to Hogsmeade..."  
He had started when she already intervened.  
"Yes I know I do, but just because I like it doesn't mean I'm gonna drag you down there. I'm aware that you try to avoid crowded public places."

Draco sighed in a mix of frustration and relief. Relief, because he wouldn't have to sit in the three broomsticks and encounter Rosmerta, or anybody else really. Frustration because Pansy was so worried about him. Draco was old enough and perfectly able to make a decision for himself. As he had done many times before.  
He was an adult, as well as a Malfoy after all. 

After a short discussion of their options,  excluding every place that was favoured by the younger students, they settled with going to the room of requirements.  
Draco had assumed that everyone had avoided it so far, in order to not get stuck with the cleaning, and Pansy had agreed with him. Instead of studying in the mess from the party, they'd just cast a few cleaning spells and have a perfectly fine room to study in. They both thought that to he a rather good option, as well as a good deed as they'd clean up after everyone. 

The two walked down the hallways in a comfortable silence. Just every now and them one of them made a snarky remark about a student they passed, or a joked about Balises activities.  
When they reached the blank wall that would soon reveal the door, Draco felt surprisingly comfortable.  
In some ways, the party had robbed him of the underlying fear of the room. Even if it had been connected to new unpleasant memories, they seemed less horrible to him than the moments he had shared with the room before. 

He didn't notice the concerned way in which Pansy looked at him before she joked:  
"Have you been frozen or is that a sentimental moment right there?"  
Draco's pale skin, that usually always stayed that way, took on a slight shade of pink as he thought of the only moment he could be sentimental of in that place.  
"Don't be delusional, if I had something to be sentimental about, you would likely be informed."  
"Honey, I know. That's why I'm asking."  
Draco deliberately ignored her snarky tone and began walking back and forth in order to turn the blank stone wall into a functional access to the room behind it. 

He thought about his school books and a transfiguration essay, in order to create a room with the appropriate environment for studying.  
A dark wooden door appeared within moments in front of them.  
A smile spread across Draco's face, smiliar to the ones he'd had when he opened the room for the first couple of times. It always had something, well, magical. But in an extraordinary way.  
The room appeared to had gotten the charm back that draco had found so fascinating. That was, of course, before he had had to repair the vanishing cabinet in there and had spent more hours crying in that room than probably anywhere else. 

Draco opened the door. He turned around and found Pansy smirking at him as he proceeded to walk into the room backwards.  
"Adorable, it made us a sweet little study cabinet."  
While anyone else would've thought that she was mocking him, Draco knew that her words were totally sincere.  
"Beware, call a creation of mine sweet again and you won't see the next morning." He told her jokingly as they both entered the room. 

Scattered everywhere there wer gently cups, pieces of glass and wood, and whatever else obviously had transferred from the party into the room they had just entered.  
While Pansy wished to avoid the studying and simply clean the room without much use of magic, Draco cast just a few spells and everything was stacked in a bag in a corner of the room. After he had rearranged the sofa and a few of the giant pillows, the room looked perfectly clean. 

They took a moment to settle in, take out all their books, ink, and whatever they needed and discuss what they had to do.  
It didn't take too long and their charters and jokes turned into quiet writing.  
After Draco had told Pansy that she'd probably become an animagus in form of a naked mole rat before her charms essay was finished, the atmosphere became focused and busy. 

For almost an hour the only time one of the two would speak was to exchange theories or knowledge.  
Draco enjoyed having an occupation almost as much as the silence that filled the room for most of the time. It gave him space to relax and fill his mind with irrelevant things, such as shape shifting. 

The silence and productivity were very suddenly interrupted, when the door flew open and a chattering group of students entered the room. Draco shot up immediately, dropped his quill, and stiffened.  
His eyes shot to the entry, where five young wizards were standing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)  
> As it appears, this is a bit shorter but I hope it was still enjoyable!!  
> Feedback is always appreciated


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